Grief and Gladiators

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This was a hard post to write. In fact, I’ve put it off for as long as I possibly could this week, but seeing as how this could be the last few moments of hope I had to write them down.

Sunday was a … it was a dark day. Hot Bartender came up to me to talk and of course I was happy—I was always happy when he would come talk to me about his problems or something funny, or even a random story. I could listen to him talk for … a while. Lol I’m not crazy enough to say forever.

Unfortunately this was a story I didn’t want to hear. He has another job at Jared’s and he had told the restaurant a month ago he had to work there as well on Mother’s Day so he would have to come in at 6 p.m. on that day. He was really upset and told me that they had scheduled him to come in at 3 and when he had told them he couldn’t do it, they issued him an ultimatum—either he comes in at 3 or he shouldn’t bother coming in at all. As in fired. The guy who approved the schedule was on vacation. Of course that’s how fate would have to be.

But … I stared at him and didn’t believe it. Fired? No, they wouldn’t fire him—he’s a great server, a great bartender! We talked about it for a while. Screw my tables! This was devastating. Of course, we both agreed, he would have to pick his full time job. It wasn’t even a choice! 

We facebooked on Monday and he let me know he told them his decision. It felt comforting that he was once again coming to me to talk about it, but at the same time. No more weekends working right beside him. Looking to this weekend I don’t feel like putting on makeup or doing my hair or trying to look cute. There was only so much you could do with a serving uniform but I always tried to wear cute earrings at least. I don’t feel like there’s a reason to try there anymore.

And honestly, it’s not the best working environment—there was only one thing holding me there. And now he’s gone. It hasn’t sunk in entirely and I’m not sure it will until I go in tomorrow and face the weekend without him coming in.People used to have it bad back in the day I used to think. I mean look at the people who went west in the wagon trains … Image

They knew they would never see their friends or family again most likely. When I was little, I used to think there was no way I could ever do that. I mean, it’s so … final. But really when you think about it, even with all the technology and all the advancements–it still happens. I know that if my one last shot doesn’t work, that last Sunday may have very well been the last time I will ever see Hot Bartender again. Sure I might have facebook. But let’s face it, facebook is not the same as seeing someone in person. So even though there’s the potential and the feasibility–it may never happen. Just think about all of the people you graduated with that you said you’d keep in touch with … yeah. Maybe a couple and they were your really really close friends. So maybe we haven’t advanced quite so much. 

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I think I still have the wedding. I hope. I finally found the dress yesterday—now—when it’s maybe too late. With 23 days left until the wedding I’m suddenly left unsure if it’s a sure thing. Everyone in the restaurant knows now thanks to my evil stepsister who has commenced torturing me more and more every day I work there. The most recent fun was getting a hundred dollars in ones and change. Yeah.

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I have to check and see if he’s still planning on going to the wedding with me. I’m texting him right after I post this. And he might say things have changed. It was a relationship to be nurtured. He’s a little bit commitment-phobic and I didn’t want to scare him off. I wanted him to slowly realize we had amazing chemistry. I mean, we do! But I am out of time now. The wedding is literally the last chance I have to make something happen. It’s either going to be a beginning or a really wonderfully sad goodbye. No pressure or anything.

But now I have to know. For someone who would rather peel a bandaid slowly off rather than ripping it fast, the fact that I’m getting this over with quickly says something. I have to know because it’ll be even more devastating later. The fact of the matter is, this is important to me and there are no more chances. It’s a delicate tightrope act and I’ve never been that balanced.

I don’t know if I can keep working at the restaurant regardless of if it worked out between us. I was talking to an older server who knows about my feelings for Hot Bartender and she told me people were talking about the fact that we were going to the wedding together. I said I knew and immediately after this conversation, Hot Bartender comes up to tell me about his ultimatum.

So at the end of the shift, the older server comes over and tells me how terrible she feels and when I asked her why she told me “As soon as I told you that people were talking about the wedding the next time I saw you you had just changed. You were walking around like a ghost—like there wasn’t any happiness left inside of you and you just weren’t Andie. You just haven’t been you and I can tell you don’t have any happiness right now. I wish I hadn’t said anything at all.”Image

After telling her it wasn’t due to what she had told me–without sharing the rest of the story, I realized that I’ve got it bad. Real bad and working there will be so much harder after knowing what it was like working with him. I don’t know what I’m going to decide. But no choice is pretty.

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After finding the dress, i’s perfect, I knew as soon as I tried it on it was the one, I had to ask him. 

So I’m going to do it and if things have changed I’ll be devastated. I knew it was risky going in—I knew this was a risk. So I’ve got to face it now.

In anticipation of gearing up to find out the truth and fight one last time for this to work out. I watched the movie Gladiator this morning before coming in to work. Russell Crowe had it going on in that movie and if there’s anyone I want to be like now, it’s Maximus. I mean, c’mon, he’s the very definition of awesomeness. I sort of feel like him too. Only, instead of an emperor, I’ve got the fates screwing with my life. I want to ask them “Are you entertained?” Image

Because I am not. I have fought so many times to keep my head above the water and live to fight another day for something that might just be unattainable. I wasn’t fighting the whole time for Hot Bartender, there were others along the way, but each time I’ve tried to keep going, tried to work to get the thumbs up. Tried to win. Unfortunately the rules of this game have changed. And now it’s out of my hands.Image

In the movie, Maximus says to keep ahold of your strength and honor and that’s what I’ll try to have when I hear the inevitable news that things have changed. I’m sure it’s coming, but I’ll hopefully be able to hold onto that and keep going to fight another day because I really like this one. I like him a lot and while it’s not my life in the balance like it was for Maximus, it is my happiness. He is what makes me happy. And that’s worth fighting for.

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XOXO

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