Trolls and Tales

Image
So just as a little filler for while my dating life is gearing up for another round of dates (i.e. one painstaking one at a time), I thought I might share a couple of messages I’ve received online. A couple from trolls I’m sure, and then a couple tragically, I believe are real. And those are perhaps the most concerning …

Image

Exhibit A:

“Hello, you appear sane and are adorable in your pictures. I would enjoy talking if you’re interested.”

I have to say, this prospect (more of a December to my May) had an interesting approach. Sane and adorable? I felt more like I was an animal at a cracked out petting zoo!

Image

Exhibit B:

“Is your last name Gillette? Because you’re the best a man can get.”

Okay, so this one was pretty cute. However, I was not interested in the profile answers which revealed he did not believe in monogamy and was only looking for casual sex. That and his (albeit completely honest) height of 5’1” led to a decided lack of response on my part.

ImageImage

You never realized just how sexual the advertisements for razors could be, did you??

Exhibit C:

“Heya girlie. Love the profile and pics. Not sure if you would be interested but I’m looking for a woman interested in having sex with my boyfriend while I am gone for work. I travel a lot for work and decided to allow him to have a playmate while I am gone. Think you would be interested?”

Okay, so I feel the need to divulge this one was from a woman … at least, the profile stated it was a girl. However, the reason this little gem didn’t win the grand ultimate supreme title was because … this was a troll. And if the incredulous reaction to the request wasn’t enough, I have had this same exact message before from the same exact profile with the same exact picture about three years ago. So yeah, sorry, but not sorry I won’t be interested in be your “boyfriend’s” playmate Blake Lively lookalike ….

Image

Grand Ultimate Supreme Title Champion:

(okay so can you tell I’ve been watching a bit of Toddlers and Tiaras on Netflix lately?)

This is my weirdest message to date.

“Wow you look cute enough to take to church. So this is my 1st week on the site and I just thought you was cute and liked your profile. I guess ill ask some random questions and hope to hear back from you. Let’s see. Favorite Color? You look like a yoga girl have you tried it before? Do you like candles ? there’s a hook to this question. Lol”

Okay soo many questions.

First of all, not sure if the church comment was supposed to be a compliment?? Do I look as though I belong in a church like a nun, good Christian girl, or, it did occur to me, do I look scandalous and need to be taken to church to be saved? I would like to think it’s the latter …

Image

Random questions are fine, unnecessarily announcing your intentions is a little weird and … unnecessary.

I can honestly say I have an average body, but have never ever been accused of looking like I do yoga. I do not have the lithe, stretchable body type. My physical therapist used to tell me I had the tightest hamstrings she’d ever seen. Also, trust me on this, I do NOT look like a yoga girl. And yes, I have tried—and failed several times.ImageTrust me, I do not look like that. When I tried, I looked more along the lines of this guy below …Image

And last but not least. Do I like candles? It seemed innocent enough, but there’s apparently a hook to this question—which was probably the most concerning comment of the entire message. How is there a hook to liking candles? Was he planning on taking a sexual hook? Did he have a candle fetish? Was he allergic and that would eliminate me from the running?

Image

Or maybe did his place look a little something like this?Image

Alas, I never responded back to bubbles. Yes, his screen name was a variation of bubbles and he no longer has an account. It was a lost opportunity.

It appears I will be haunted forever by the question, what was the hook??

Perhaps he enjoyed making human people candles like these?

Image

Until next time—hope I have some more good date stories for ya!

XOXO

Advertisements

Date #1: Sushi and Serial Killers

Image

So last Monday I went on a date for the first time in 1 year, 7 months, and 11 days. I have gone all “Pimp my Profile” on Match and Okcupid and met a couple good ones initially.

By good ones, I mean, looking at their pictures, I could imagine being attracted to them, they made me laugh at least once reading the profile, lived fairly close, and I didn’t feel as though I would end up on the real life version of either Big Love or Law and Order: SVU.

ImageImage

So I really liked Young Blonde guy, but after a few messages, never heard back from him. So it was narrowed down to Boring. I know this sounds terrible, and I might quite possibly be evil and karmaing myself at every turn here, but I came to call him Boring McBoringson. He never came off as creepy or stalkery. I never got the sense he had a family in the hills, or that he was a sexual deviant—like so many of the users I’ve spoken with, and have subsequently creeped me out.

But every message was so robotic, so strange, so spelling-out-the-obvious unnecessary. I also couldn’t tell if at some points he was being an asshole or had the driest sense of humor in the world. Case in point, he messaged me out of nowhere saying it was “Time to prepare dinner” to which I wanted to inquire as to why he was giving me an itinerary of his day [I got these updates hourly. Time to go to work. Time to go to the grocery store, etc.]. Also I was on vacation at the time. Instead, I tried to be interested and texted him back. “So you can cook a lot then?? Lol” The response I received: “Well I baked a chicken and it didn’t come out undercooked. I also made a garden salad with oil and vinegar and baked some bread. So …. I guess?” So … was he trying to be funny or an asshole? I couldn’t tell.

Image

He asked me out the day he wanted to go out and normally I would say no. I like to be prepared, but I wasn’t sure I was completely into Boring and my hair was looking great that day so I agreed. He said he wanted to go to a sushi bar.

Image

I don’t like raw fish and I’m not super adventurous, so I told him that I didn’t really like sushi, but if they had cooked options I could try it. He assured me there were tons of options.

Image

That was a little off-putting. I mean … I did agree to go hesitantly, but if I was asking someone out and knew they didn’t like something—I might suggest something else. However, I did say ok, so it was set.

Going into the date with Boring I had a couple of concerns.

1.) He said he hated his mom because she was “crazy.”

2.) He never mentioned friends or family (except his mom) like … ever. When I asked he was evasive.

3.) He said he hated the beach.

This was a big deal.

I mean, I LOVE the beach. So I asked him what he considered a good vacation and he said hiking in Burma, staying in a hostel in a “gritty” real–non-touristy area, and tenting it up in Belize.

Image

Yeah.

I mean, what would his ideas be for a HONEYMOON?

Image 

or perhaps this?

Image

I know, a little premature, but you have to think about these things 🙂

So he acted weird when we set it up. He kept trying to get me to meet him at his car in the parking lot. [Yeah, notgoing to happen…] So I texted him at the restaurant door and when he appeared, he did not look like his photo. Or rather, he had been very strategic in his photography. If you have ever watched Captain America, imagine Chris Evans with dark hair—BEFORE the steroids. He was so tiny!

Image

He was about my height and I try not to be weird about that because I’m 5’9” and a half, but I consider myself at an average weight, but he made me feel extremely large next to him. He seemed … delicate and that made me feel like a giant.

So as it turns out the “lots” of cooked options included rice. He got upset when I wouldn’t order sushi and I had to remind him, “I did warn you that I didn’t eat sushi!” When he continued to try to force me to eat it. I wasn’t going to make a big thing out of the fact that there wasn’t anything for me to order, but I WASN’T going to be bullied into eating something I didn’t want to.

For the first ten minutes, he flipped through the menu, kept sending the waitress away and not speaking. I tried tentatively and got one word answers with no eye contact.

After ordering, he became a little more talkative and he did have really cute smiling eyes … but he was just as boring in person.

He had a hard time explaining his job, he kept saying “computer protection services—no not technical support” (computer mafia??) and explained how mad he was when his family discovered his address. He didn’t like them knowing where he lived. And yeah, I get that some families—it’s better they don’t know. But the things he described, they just sounded like a nice family who wanted to keep in contact with him.

I asked him how he would escape from a deserted island if he got shipwrecked (he liked to go sailing) and he answered: “Why would I want to escape? There wouldn’t be any people there.”

Why indeed.

I knew I had subconsciously decided there was no hope for this going further when he asked me who my favorite actor was and I said Nicholas Cage.

Image

Parting ways, he walked around a car next to mine and said “Well, see ya.”

I tried to be polite, telling him “Thanks, I had a good time.” To which I received a dismissive wave and a “Yep.”

Very clinical. And the next day I received this gem. “I just remembered it’s $5 movie night at the theater I live beside. Think I might go later. You can come with if you absolutely don’t have anything better to do.”

Let’s say it was difficult to resist the temptation because as he had guessed it so eloquently, I  “absolutely didn’t have anything better to do.” But considering his lack of friends, hatred of his mother (I mean, there was some real Norman Bates stuff going on there), and general lack of human emotion I suspect there is a 50 percent chance he may be a serial killer.

So as much as it pained me, I had to refuse.

As a last note, I have started talking to a paramedic moving to my area—so fingers crossed this one is a match!

….. Actually …. come to think of it, Boring actually does have a striking similar face to Norman ….

Image

XOXO

Banana Peels and Bad Life Choices

Image

So I know it’s been far, far too long since my last update and I apologize! However, the good news is I have news. It’s unfortunate that all of it is rather … well … unfortunate. When last we left, Hot Bartender had left the restaurant and the state of our wedding date was in dire straits.

Well …. Let’s just say that things most certainly did NOT turn out how I was expecting them to go. I had a good scenario hypothesis and a bad scenario. I did not have a what-the-hell-did-this-really-happen? scenario. My mistake.

The best way to describe what occurred in the events leading up to the last five days before the wedding are strange. The best way to describe is, it was a banana peel situation.

Imagine you’re put into a room and before they open the door, the people (obviously they are wearing white lab coats and you are the idiot who signed up for this willingly) tell you, “You have one goal, to make it to the other side of the room where there is a trophy. Depending on how well you maneuver the obstacles in the room, we may give it to you. There’s the obvious banana peel two steps in front of you. There may also be lions, bears, crocodiles, and dragons (gotta love Game of Thrones!). It will be dangerous.” Well you really want the trophy so you agree. You open the door and are so concerned trying to scope out the predatory creatures that you step on that damned banana peel and fall. Hard.

This is because you’re an idiot—that was the one thing they assured you WAS ACTUALLY IN THE ROOM. The rest was a possibility, but it was clear from the get go you needed to make sure you didn’t step on the banana peel.

Well guys, I stepped on the banana peel. Or, in other words, I missed the wedding. Yep, I missed it. How is this possible you may ask. Well, I assumed when my friend told me it would be the last weekend in May it would actually be the last weekend—aka the 31st. As it turns out, she meant the last FULL weekend in May—aka Memorial Day weekend, the 24th. Soo … I missed it. I never checked the date on the invitation. 

Image

And when I was looking on Facebook and noticed her WEDDING PHOTOS, I found out.

This left only one thing to do. I had to tell Hot Bartender that we missed the wedding.

—After I finished laughing hysterically of course. After all, it was kind of funny …

I had been so wrapped up in all the stuff that could have gone wrong at the wedding, I forgot to double check the date of the wedding. Pretty small fry stuff to mess up on lol

Annnd then things get rocky. I was thinking of how to tell him via Facebook—because of course I did not have his number—and was kind of accepting the fact that we wouldn’t be happening, but I could not have foretold how the conversation would actually go.

Here’s a snippet of our chat for you to see for yourself ….

Me: So you know how there are terrible people in the world? Yeah I think I’m one of them lol … it might be hard to read, but I messed up the date my friend got married … as in … she got married May 24–last Saturday. I don’t know how it happened! lol So thanks for agreeing to go with me … the person who, as it turns out, cannot read

Hot Bartender: So we missed it?? Lol oh lord

Me: Yes lol I feel so TERRIBLE …

Hot Bartender: Well shit that’s no fun!!

[I’m feeling hopeful, maybe this means he is disappointed!!!]

Me: lol yeah no kidding … it’s one of those moments where i feel stupid haha I’ve been having those frequently lately …

Hot Bartender: Lol you’ll be ok it will straighten out

Me: i know–I went and saw Godzilla tonight … it’s good to put things in perspective! lol

Image

Hot Bartender: Lol I heard it sucked since the lizard really isn’t in it much btw I didn’t get to see you in your dress so you gonna have to put it on and send a pic of it since I know you were excited about it! Off topic lol back on movie topic I want to see neighbors

Me: lol it was actually really good–but very loud with many explosions and monster roaring haha … and we should see it on Sunday then! Since we (and by we I mean I haha) blew the wedding … and lol it is a shame because it was a really awesome dress

Hot Bartender: Well put it on and send me a picture so I can see it then goofball lol

[I saw a lot of red flags at this point, but I reluctantly sent him a picture—I knew it was a mistake…]

Hot Bartender: Well that is an awesome dress!

Me: haha thx

Hot Bartender: It really highlights your upper chest features lol

Me: LOL i appreciate that … I always thought the uniform held me back from my … real potential haha

Hot Bartender: idk all i’ve got to go off of is the dress and the uniform …

[So not going to happen, we haven’t even made out! But I still try to salvage it …]

Me: But sometime maybe we’ll have to hang out so you can see me in apparel that is not logans-wear lol

Hot Bartender: Haha well I have seen you in what you wore on your birthday and I def looked at your chest lol 

[He remembers my birthday from September and how I looked?!? … but he’s avoiding the whole want to hang out thing …]

Me: haha that does explain the birthday song lol

Hot Bartender: Yea yea lol I mean you might as well just show them to me since they were basically out already that night Hahaha

[And that.]

Me: lol they weren’t! and I don’t do ANYTHING until after a date … lol it’s been so long you’re pretty much a stranger now …

Hot Bartender: Haha very funny I’m not a stranger Goofball Lol

Me: uhuh …

Hot Bartender: You know you wanna show me ur just talkin itself out of it hahaha

[Just … no.]

Me: lol i talk myself out of a lot of things i consider doing … lol this is not one of them

Hot Bartender: Haha fair enough

Me: 🙂

Hot Bartender: So your talking urself into it got it haha

Me: NO I am not—you are crazy

Hot Bartender: Haha I know I know

 

Soo ….yeah. I mean … I don’t even know. I knew things would go downhill if I sent him a picture of me in the dress, but honestly I don’t get it! I was more than willing to give him something real instead of a picture, but every time I tried to steer my oar around the gigantic creepiness of his insistence for a picture and combined with his compulsion to keep calling me “goofball” [I mean what was UP with that???], he just persistently went back to square one. And I was very realistic that I would gain nothing from giving him a picture and he wasn’t really interested in seeing me in person. Ever.

Unfortunately this spells the end of the Hot Bartender, even if I do miss him at work still and remember our flirtations fondly.

As a little ending to this post, I thought I would include the wonderful text I received on vacation from my other Bartender friend Mickey. Sent as a text photo straight from DUI class was this little gem.

Apparently the question for her essay was would you ever consider driving home after consuming alcohol okay? Her response?

No. It is never acceptable. I will always go out with friends who will make sure there is a responsible sober driver. And if anything ever happened that left me alone and drunk, I would call my virgin friend Andie. She is always there for me and would come and get me.

Image

And if THAT wasn’t enough, she read it in front of her entire DUI class. Apparently everyone was silent for a second and then the questions started. What? Was she for real? For real, 23 years old?? According to Mickey they discussed my lack of sex life for approximately five minutes before the teacher stepped in to bring it back to sober driving.

Yeah. So …. that’s a thing, too.

Some days you have to laugh so you won’t cry lol

XOXO