So last Monday I went on a date for the first time in 1 year, 7 months, and 11 days. I have gone all “Pimp my Profile” on Match and Okcupid and met a couple good ones initially.
By good ones, I mean, looking at their pictures, I could imagine being attracted to them, they made me laugh at least once reading the profile, lived fairly close, and I didn’t feel as though I would end up on the real life version of either Big Love or Law and Order: SVU.
So I really liked Young Blonde guy, but after a few messages, never heard back from him. So it was narrowed down to Boring. I know this sounds terrible, and I might quite possibly be evil and karmaing myself at every turn here, but I came to call him Boring McBoringson. He never came off as creepy or stalkery. I never got the sense he had a family in the hills, or that he was a sexual deviant—like so many of the users I’ve spoken with, and have subsequently creeped me out.
But every message was so robotic, so strange, so spelling-out-the-obvious unnecessary. I also couldn’t tell if at some points he was being an asshole or had the driest sense of humor in the world. Case in point, he messaged me out of nowhere saying it was “Time to prepare dinner” to which I wanted to inquire as to why he was giving me an itinerary of his day [I got these updates hourly. Time to go to work. Time to go to the grocery store, etc.]. Also I was on vacation at the time. Instead, I tried to be interested and texted him back. “So you can cook a lot then?? Lol” The response I received: “Well I baked a chicken and it didn’t come out undercooked. I also made a garden salad with oil and vinegar and baked some bread. So …. I guess?” So … was he trying to be funny or an asshole? I couldn’t tell.
He asked me out the day he wanted to go out and normally I would say no. I like to be prepared, but I wasn’t sure I was completely into Boring and my hair was looking great that day so I agreed. He said he wanted to go to a sushi bar.
I don’t like raw fish and I’m not super adventurous, so I told him that I didn’t really like sushi, but if they had cooked options I could try it. He assured me there were tons of options.
That was a little off-putting. I mean … I did agree to go hesitantly, but if I was asking someone out and knew they didn’t like something—I might suggest something else. However, I did say ok, so it was set.
Going into the date with Boring I had a couple of concerns.
1.) He said he hated his mom because she was “crazy.”
2.) He never mentioned friends or family (except his mom) like … ever. When I asked he was evasive.
3.) He said he hated the beach.
This was a big deal.
I mean, I LOVE the beach. So I asked him what he considered a good vacation and he said hiking in Burma, staying in a hostel in a “gritty” real–non-touristy area, and tenting it up in Belize.
I mean, what would his ideas be for a HONEYMOON?
or perhaps this?
I know, a little premature, but you have to think about these things 🙂
So he acted weird when we set it up. He kept trying to get me to meet him at his car in the parking lot. [Yeah, notgoing to happen…] So I texted him at the restaurant door and when he appeared, he did not look like his photo. Or rather, he had been very strategic in his photography. If you have ever watched Captain America, imagine Chris Evans with dark hair—BEFORE the steroids. He was so tiny!
He was about my height and I try not to be weird about that because I’m 5’9” and a half, but I consider myself at an average weight, but he made me feel extremely large next to him. He seemed … delicate and that made me feel like a giant.
So as it turns out the “lots” of cooked options included rice. He got upset when I wouldn’t order sushi and I had to remind him, “I did warn you that I didn’t eat sushi!” When he continued to try to force me to eat it. I wasn’t going to make a big thing out of the fact that there wasn’t anything for me to order, but I WASN’T going to be bullied into eating something I didn’t want to.
For the first ten minutes, he flipped through the menu, kept sending the waitress away and not speaking. I tried tentatively and got one word answers with no eye contact.
After ordering, he became a little more talkative and he did have really cute smiling eyes … but he was just as boring in person.
He had a hard time explaining his job, he kept saying “computer protection services—no not technical support” (computer mafia??) and explained how mad he was when his family discovered his address. He didn’t like them knowing where he lived. And yeah, I get that some families—it’s better they don’t know. But the things he described, they just sounded like a nice family who wanted to keep in contact with him.
I asked him how he would escape from a deserted island if he got shipwrecked (he liked to go sailing) and he answered: “Why would I want to escape? There wouldn’t be any people there.”
I knew I had subconsciously decided there was no hope for this going further when he asked me who my favorite actor was and I said Nicholas Cage.
Parting ways, he walked around a car next to mine and said “Well, see ya.”
I tried to be polite, telling him “Thanks, I had a good time.” To which I received a dismissive wave and a “Yep.”
Very clinical. And the next day I received this gem. “I just remembered it’s $5 movie night at the theater I live beside. Think I might go later. You can come with if you absolutely don’t have anything better to do.”
Let’s say it was difficult to resist the temptation because as he had guessed it so eloquently, I “absolutely didn’t have anything better to do.” But considering his lack of friends, hatred of his mother (I mean, there was some real Norman Bates stuff going on there), and general lack of human emotion I suspect there is a 50 percent chance he may be a serial killer.
So as much as it pained me, I had to refuse.
As a last note, I have started talking to a paramedic moving to my area—so fingers crossed this one is a match!
….. Actually …. come to think of it, Boring actually does have a striking similar face to Norman ….