So just as a little filler for while my dating life is gearing up for another round of dates (i.e. one painstaking one at a time), I thought I might share a couple of messages I’ve received online. A couple from trolls I’m sure, and then a couple tragically, I believe are real. And those are perhaps the most concerning …
“Hello, you appear sane and are adorable in your pictures. I would enjoy talking if you’re interested.”
I have to say, this prospect (more of a December to my May) had an interesting approach. Sane and adorable? I felt more like I was an animal at a cracked out petting zoo!
“Is your last name Gillette? Because you’re the best a man can get.”
Okay, so this one was pretty cute. However, I was not interested in the profile answers which revealed he did not believe in monogamy and was only looking for casual sex. That and his (albeit completely honest) height of 5’1” led to a decided lack of response on my part.
You never realized just how sexual the advertisements for razors could be, did you??
“Heya girlie. Love the profile and pics. Not sure if you would be interested but I’m looking for a woman interested in having sex with my boyfriend while I am gone for work. I travel a lot for work and decided to allow him to have a playmate while I am gone. Think you would be interested?”
Okay, so I feel the need to divulge this one was from a woman … at least, the profile stated it was a girl. However, the reason this little gem didn’t win the grand ultimate supreme title was because … this was a troll. And if the incredulous reaction to the request wasn’t enough, I have had this same exact message before from the same exact profile with the same exact picture about three years ago. So yeah, sorry, but not sorry I won’t be interested in be your “boyfriend’s” playmate Blake Lively lookalike ….
Grand Ultimate Supreme Title Champion:
(okay so can you tell I’ve been watching a bit of Toddlers and Tiaras on Netflix lately?)
This is my weirdest message to date.
“Wow you look cute enough to take to church. So this is my 1st week on the site and I just thought you was cute and liked your profile. I guess ill ask some random questions and hope to hear back from you. Let’s see. Favorite Color? You look like a yoga girl have you tried it before? Do you like candles ? there’s a hook to this question. Lol”
Okay soo many questions.
First of all, not sure if the church comment was supposed to be a compliment?? Do I look as though I belong in a church like a nun, good Christian girl, or, it did occur to me, do I look scandalous and need to be taken to church to be saved? I would like to think it’s the latter …
Random questions are fine, unnecessarily announcing your intentions is a little weird and … unnecessary.
I can honestly say I have an average body, but have never ever been accused of looking like I do yoga. I do not have the lithe, stretchable body type. My physical therapist used to tell me I had the tightest hamstrings she’d ever seen. Also, trust me on this, I do NOT look like a yoga girl. And yes, I have tried—and failed several times.Trust me, I do not look like that. When I tried, I looked more along the lines of this guy below …
And last but not least. Do I like candles? It seemed innocent enough, but there’s apparently a hook to this question—which was probably the most concerning comment of the entire message. How is there a hook to liking candles? Was he planning on taking a sexual hook? Did he have a candle fetish? Was he allergic and that would eliminate me from the running?
Alas, I never responded back to bubbles. Yes, his screen name was a variation of bubbles and he no longer has an account. It was a lost opportunity.
It appears I will be haunted forever by the question, what was the hook??
Perhaps he enjoyed making human people candles like these?
Until next time—hope I have some more good date stories for ya!