Fight Club and Fishing

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Many, many new stories for this week. First and foremost, I have decided to go speed dating in a couple of weeks so that’s something for me to count down to. I can only assume it will be horrifyingly entertaining ….

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Now, on to the recap of last week. On Thursday, my roommate and I hit a college bar, Pretty Fish. Her amusing friend … Little Finger (forgive my post-game of thrones reference, but it fits so well!), a rather short student at the college (but he’s 24 like us) is a friend of hers and met us there. When random guys would walk past us at the bar he would stop them and do a bro handshake, saying, “Hey, what’s up man? Have you met  (my roommate)? She’s a really nice lady!” This went on for a while and he actually did call attention to a guy and his friend halfway through the night with his antics. This guy looked pretty much like Edward Norton Jr. (Fight club version) and his friend was rather cartoonish looking. A bit shorter than me, with sandy brown hair slicked back WAY too much. Also, I’ve never understood the phrase a mouth full of teeth until I met him.

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While Edward Norton Jr. was cute, he wasn’t terrific … he was just better than his friend. So when he sidled up to my roommate, I knew with dread who would fill the empty chair by my side. Sure enough, his friend got comfortable.

Now, I did try to talk with this friend, who informed me he was a men’s inspirational motivational speaker. Motivational speaker also had an avid interest in ballroom dancing and wanted to show me some moves. I politely declined. He then explained his job which involved one-on-one motivational training. Apparently he takes guys out to social areas like malls and helps them interact with women. He then asked me if I was always so reserved sexually.

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I wasn’t sure if that was a demonstration of his self-assurance or if he was weird. After several more questions of a similar nature I determined that was all him. Meanwhile on the dance floor, Edward Norton Jr. and my roommate were dancing. Actually they were bouncing up and down. Little Finger remarked that it appeared to be all Edward Norton Jr. knew how to do. Apparently it was sufficient. But eventually the bounce dancing ended and Motivation Speaker seemed to recognize my disinterest and called a girl to come drink with him. More power to you Motivational Speaker. More power to you.

While my roommate chatted with Little Finger, Edward Norton commented on how much he loved my hair because it “was both thick and pretty and normally you don’t have both.” Then he asked me what shampoo I used—Herbal Essences. He seemed particularly pleased with the brand. I was fifty-fifty at this point that Edward Norton Jr. might be high. When he later offered us an eight-ball of coke, I was pretty sure.

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Motivational Speaker left a while after with his girl who was a friend. Little Finger asked Edward Norton Jr. if his friend was friendzoned with the girl. Edward Norton Jr. was pretty sure it was a yeah.

The night ended with my roommate, me, Little Finger, and Edward Norton Jr. talking by my car in the street at 2a.m. He asked Little Finger if he would be interested in doing some pornographic filming and that he could get paid $700 for recruiting a person so Little Finger should imagine how much HE could make. It supposedly would only take a total of eight hours for one weekend. Little Finger declined after some consideration. It was 3a.m. before my roommate and I could get away. Later, my roommate grew concerned that Little Finger wasn’t responding to her texts. So I sent him a message:

“Hey so (my roommate’s) very concerned that Edward Norton Jr. might have knifed you. I am mildly concerned that Edward Norton Jr. might have sold you into sex slavery for $700 so he could buy another eight-ball of coke. Are you cool?”

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To everyone’s relief, Little Finger is alive and well.

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Other updates:

I never heard back from Coach Taylor … not that I put a lot of effort into it either to be fair …

I never heard back from Tall Paul. This was a bit more upsetting. But last night I did have a 12 hour nightmare that I was trying to exorcise his possessed being so perhaps things weren’t meant to be there …

Notable OKcupid message? Hails from a 36 who looks startlingly like my 75 year-old grandpa …

“You look like a pop star. If you could sing, I’d totally record the shit out of you ;P”

Thank you 36 year old grandpa. I appreciate you and how you believe in my stardom qualities. It’s amazing you can sense my one year of honors choir lurking behind the photo.

Also, yes, I am sure you would love dabble in “recording” … smooth 36 year old grandpa … very smooth.

JACKASS PRESENTS: BAD GRANDPA

That’s all for now! Until next time,

XOXO

Andie

Saw Movies and Fifty Shades of Sexting

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So, when last we left off, Coach Taylor had disappeared, Tall Paul was on the missing hikers bulletin, and I was sort of considering picking things up with the Bartender. It’s only fitting to start with the most shocking of all.

TALL PAUL IS ALIVE!

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That’s correct folks, Tall Paul is indeed alive and survived his mountain camping excursion. I received a messaged from him on Thursday morning (the first activity on his account since Friday), saying “Well that ended up taking longer than expected.”

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Tall Paul, it appears, really was still away in the mountains, and though not eaten by a bear, it appears his extreme date with nature ran over (whether by getting lost or his own decision we may never truly know).

Even more surprising is the fact that he messaged me back. So we will see how things develop with Tall Paul. I just find it amazing the dead-eyed survivor made it back safe and sound … and wasn’t just blowing me off.

It’s the little things … 🙂

Now, on to the next order of business … my unfortunate dealings with Coach Taylor. Just like that wild dog that doesn’t seem to want to stay but keeps showing up for treats from time to time, Coach Taylor has once again returned.

It all started on Thursday when my roommate posted a picture of us getting ready to go out drinking. Within three seconds, she calls out from the bathroom to ask me what Coach Taylor’s name was again …. Because he had liked the photo within three seconds. Therefore, I wasn’t entirely surprised that moments later I receive a text from him for the first time in a week.

Of course NOT being a glutton for punishment, I didn’t text him back. I know instinctively that there’s just something about this wild canine that would not make a good companion.

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Seven shots later we were texting. And he was asking me if he had mentioned how pretty I was, to which I responded (I’m afraid with alcoholic cattiness) ‘you did cover that.’ He also mentioned that I was delicious. Not really sure how he would know that considering we have most certainly never made out …

But in the end, all of this led to last night’s conversation which I am transcribing for you. I’m not sure there’s any other way to convey this….

Him: So can i tell you something without you being offended … I feel like I need to tell you … You were in my dream the other night …

Me: Haha … um … okay?

Him: I had a sex dream … I’m sorry if this offends you

Me: Haha had to get that off your chest and confess? These things happen ..

Him: Yes … lol ok i thought you were gonna get mad …

Me: I have amazing zen

Him: Yeah I agree, can see that for sure!

Me: That being said of course, I might have shown concern if you had said ‘Hey I had a dream about that movie Saw … and you were in it … and I was jigsaw’

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Him: Lol I’ve never seen those movies and I don’t want to

Me: I’m saying that would have been more concerning …

Him: Lol yeah … But I saw 50 shades of grey and then dreamed about you instead

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Me: I have seen that one …

Him: Well it wasn’t anything crazy like that

Me: ….

I think he was partially wondering if I would think he was a creep or if I would be turned on and because of my neutral response he has seemed confused ever since. I do feel slightly creeped out, and slightly flattered. This is the first time someone has felt the need to confess for having lustful thoughts about me …

So I don’t know what to think about Coach Taylor. Except, just like that wild dog … I don’t think that I could ever really trust him to stay….

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Dead Eyes and Deal Breakers

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Ahoy fellow wordpressers! I’ve once again surfaced from the depths of online dating to share a couple notable stories from my week. In this episode, Tall Paul and his crazy eyes, Coach Taylor and the disappearing act … again, and a very confused German exchange student.

So first things first. After Coach Taylor blew up my phone, I agreed to give it another go and set a date with him for last Thursday. Shortly after this conversation, I never heard from him again. Indeed, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday trudged along with dead silence. Finally on Thursday I sent out a text seeing what was up with the plans for our date. Shockingly enough (considering the huge silence) the text I got back was: “Out of town, sorry I was meaning to text you…”

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Well I can’t say it’s out of character. If you’ll remember, Coach Taylor had disappeared on me once before … quite out of the blue that time as well. It was obvious that the out of town fairies took his phone. That’s what the out of town fairies do. I’ve had a lot of run-ins with them in the past … I was gracious though in my “I kind of figured” text back and there has been no communication since. I think my coworker was actually more upset than I was. The fact is that we didn’t connect and that would probably have been the last time I saw him anyway. If I can survive the bartender wedding date disaster … this was nothing.

Tall Paul was a guy I started talking to this same past week. He was blonde, a computer systems analyst, and liked the outdoors. Plus, he was witty without being overly sexual. Don’t get me wrong, flirting is A-okay in my book. But really I’m tired of being frightened to get photos from guys and also it just transitions way too soon for me! Three messages in and it’s like a brainwave gets jumpstarted: Time for sexting. I’m not judging sexting, but I like to know I LIKE someone before thinking about getting into that.

So Tall Paul was appealing in that he was fun but not lecherous. I love the outdoors too … but I think it’s safe to say his love is a bit more … militant than mine lol …. He was explaining to me about his solo camping trip he would be taking this past weekend on Thursday night. Freeze dried food, no map and just some tarp for a tent. He also used the phrase “Be one with nature.” Showing this message to my roommate to ask her if he sounded a little TOO hippieish, she was very disturbed catching a glimpse of his photo. “No, you need to stop talking to him. He’s got crazy eyes! He looks like a serial killer.”

Okay so this guy was cute and blonde! My type exactly. And I can honestly say he didn’t have crazy eyes. It was more dead eyes … you know the soulless look?

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And yeah it was slightly serial killerish, but I try not to be too harsh with ruling people out and you never know, it could just be the camera angle! I wished him luck on his venture and he told me he would be out of service range all weekend.

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I never have heard back from Tall Paul. The fact of the matter is, it’s very likely Tall Paul decided to move on and lost interest after his commune with nature. That being said, it is also possible that while exploring the great wilderness around him, Tall Paul was eaten by a bear and his body may never be recovered.  Only time and his account activity will tell ….

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Notable mentions from this week include the German exchange student who became extremely confused.  The following conversation occurred on Friday night after my serving shift.

Him: Hey, just wanted to say hi! You look nice. I’m from Germany.

Me: Wow that’s a long way from here! How are you?

Him: Good I must go to sleep though. For long while thought my father was dead. He is in U.S. in hospital with vein troubles and may not live though I have found him finally at last! Waiting for doctors and must see. Am very tired. Good-night. Thanks!

Me: ……

So that was one of the strangest conversations I think I may have ever had …

Second notable mention comes from across the Atlantic as well!

“You’ve a very interesting profile. You look beautiful & kind hearted. Your eyes seems like a magical ocean. There is innocence on your face. Life seems living in your cute smile & expressions. Are these tresses unfurled heavy dusk? You seems like a master piece chiseled out from marble. Am I seeing a dream or do you exist in reality? Overall you’re breath taking. I’m not trying to be judgmental. As we share an amazing compatibility percentage. So that means there may be something between us. Let’s chat and see if it may turn into a good friendship or possibly something more. Please take a look at my profile. Believe me I’m not lying or sugar coating words just talking from the heart. Though, I’m far but I would still love to know you. Your reply would be appreciated. I’ll be glad to hear back from you.”

Number one, it didn’t sound like he was struggling against being judgmental, but that was considerate of him to resist making judgment calls. Number two, marble. As much as I like myself I think I can safely say my body has NOT been carved out of marble lol. Number three, innocence. Sigh.

I think I’m really looking for a short distance relationship, regardless of the ocean comment. My eyes really do look like a magical ocean after all! If a magical ocean is indeed green and brown …

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Lastly we have Friends with Benefits guy. I am guilty of messaging him first because he looked like a (cliché I know) bad boy. And after the Coach Taylor experiment failed, I thought that might be fun to try. Yeah. Basically I knew better lol. Our conversation went as follows:

Me: Hey what’s up?

Him: Nothing much, what are you on here for? 😉

[Winky smiles always send me warning signs….]

Me: I’m just looking to date, meet new people, not jump into anything heavy fast. What about you?

Him: So fwb?

[Friends with Benefits?]

Me: … umm no. probably not.

Him: Lol Then I don’t think I completely understand lol

Me: haha rereading that might have been misleading …. i’ve been trying to meet lots of new people … but not just to have sex with them lol

Him: Ohhhhhhhhh ok lol. Now I get it lol

Me: haha yeah so …. what are you on here for?

Him: Something open …I’m ok with fwb situation. Relationship open relationship. I’m open lol

Me: Haha gotcha gotcha … sometimes that works lol

Him: It does from time to time. But equally fun lol

Me: Yep

You’ve gotta give him props … he was indeed very open. That was just a little TOO much in the other direction for me. Sometimes I feel a little like Goldilocks lol … So far nothing’s been JUST right. Well … one bartender certainly felt that way … and we have talked a little bit since then … but I’ll save that for another day … 🙂

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Until next time!

XOXO

Andie

Reincarnation and Reappearances

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So basically I’ve gone MIA for a few months … and I’ve missed all of the feedback, I’ve missed reading everyone’s blogs … I’ve missed being part of a community. Basically I let a bad experience get me down and that’s never something someone wants to admit. Long story short, one guy I was talking to—let’s call him French Lawyer—seemed great and too good to be true and even though I went into the date wary … I got disillusioned.

But have no fear! I am back and prepared to go into 2015 with all the vitality one needs to survive the dating world.

So … back to the middle of LAST year … when last I left off, I was talking to the Paramedic. If you’ll remember, he was hunky and Italian and all around cute! Plus …. The uniform! Enough said! I ended things off with the Paramedic though before we got a first date in. He seemed oddly offended by my lack of love for NASCAR racing and incorporated one too many jokes about his ailing grandfather diagnosed with Alzheimer’s …. Trust me … these were decidedly NOT in good taste. All in all, I removed myself from that concerning situation …

I have officially had a first date of 2015! Another fish from POF, I call this one Coach Taylor … after Friday Night Lights (he used to be a high school coach for one of my rival high schools)P3

Interestingly enough, he started talking to me around November of 2014, and when I say talking, I mean excessively texting. Excessively. And I thought: hey why not give it a shot? Then right before Christmas, he falls off the face of the earth.

Then out of nowhere he reappears and texts me what’s up. Then came the amusing exchange of texts figuring out who he was and then we agreed to go out. We went to a restaurant right across the street from my restaurant! And prior to the date he was overly concerned about my height. He kept texting me, asking me how tall I was and seemed very concerned. Naturally this made ME concerned because his profile had said he was 6’5”…..

Thankfully when we met, he really was 6’5” and he seemed relieved to find I was actually 5’9”. According to him, I look very, very tall in my FB photos lol

The thing about Coach Taylor is, I had a fun time talking to him (even if he is a little crazy ….) but I didn’t feel the stirring to make out with him. In short, the date just didn’t have that spark. We talked about a variety of things

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Most notable standouts in my mind:

  1. He believes reincarnation, Darwinism, and the bible are all the same story. Also, that hell is life on earth: Cheery conversation lol
  2. He has been in a stressed relationship with his brother because his brother works for the government and he distrusts the government: His brother is a post office worker.
  3. He asked me if I had ever smoked marijuana: When I said I had not, he responded my saying Whyyyy??

He’s not UNattractive, he’s just not attractive either. He’s kind of … goofy looking? Lol It’s difficult to describe, but if you’ve ever seen a child hold their breath when they’re mad … that’s kind of his resting face. It’s very strange lol.

That being said, he’s still talking to me, and talking to him was easy. He’s asked when he can see me again and I’ve agreed to another date later this week. So, we shall see how take two goes ….

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Coach Taylor seems to be very nice, loves his mom, works hard, and is attentive. That being said, if there’s still no spark after this time, I think it’ll be time to call it quits.

Until next time!

XOXO

Andie

Of Pompeii and Paramedics

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So Rich Guy and the Paramedic. Normally I wouldn’t label anyone as Rich Guy, but—he did advertise himself in this way. That was his highlighted feature! I liked Rich Guy, but I haven’t heard back from him in a few days and I have a feeling that fish is dead in the water. The Paramedic on the other hand? That’s one’s a strong marine creature.

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He is definitely a strange fish though. I messaged him first, interested in his profession. I mean … come on, nothing’s hotter than saving lives in a uniform! But he may be one of those fish who are discovered living in the depths of the ocean from a dark dark place that light never touches. Basically … he’s uncharted territory. Super cute, from the same state as me, then moved out west and just moved back here this week. He’s a paramedic on the side and works for hospital administration too. He’s cute Italian. Dark preppy cut hair, strong roman face, athletic build SUPPOSEDLY six foot. So from the photos if they can be trusted, he’s quite attractive.

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The one good thing about my profile is my photos pull no punches. I’m not a great beauty although I like my hair and think I have fairly interesting features, though not classically pretty. Average build, I’m slightly taller, but again, my photos show this too when I’m standing with my friends. So hopefully anyone I meet won’t be expecting Kate Moss or Olivia Wilde.

However, there’s no guarantee he’ll look like HIS photos—which I try to keep in mind. He’s also an older brother to three sisters, which I find adorable. Having always wanted an older brother—it’s been a really attractive quality for me in guys. It’s just that cute thing … idk idk.

I digress from the real issue. He writes novels. No, not actual books, but his messages to me are never less than 1,000 words. Anyone who has done online dating knows getting long messages are usually like pulling teeth! So it’s kind of weird that he sends such long personal e-mails. I’m not sure what this means…

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Always the pessimist, I’m slightly concerned that this rare creature may have developed this trait as a protective measure, via Darwin and survival of the fittest. Maybe the long letters are to make up for something else—something I can’t see in the dark.

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Or maybe he’s just really chatty and this signifies nothing except that I have finally met someone who can talk as much as me!

He even sent me a message last night that said he was still getting settled so he would send me a proper message today. Proper message, aka, a super long essay.

I don’t mind really, I enjoy leaning a lot in those e-mails and he’s from match.com, which signifies he’s maybe looking for more than just a hookup—which would be nice lol.

So I’m definitely looking for some opinions on this. Like I said, I wasn’t born yesterday into online dating and I can appreciate a guy who talks and tells stories, but I just have literally never met someone who has SO MUCH to say! It’s a mystery for now.

In other news, my friends wanted to set me up on a date with a guy two hours away. He was blonde they told me and it would be great. However, did some investigation and yeah, he is sooo tiny and looks young. Like illegal age young. Also it turns out, he used to have a gigantic CRUSH on my friend setting me up. Not really a fan of pushed together leftovers. So as lovely as the intent was behind the setup, I had to decline that one. I may be searching, but I don’t consider myself desperate …. yet lol.

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I watch Pompeii last night and we had series of severe thunderstorms. A lightning strike burnt down a house on the east side of the city. (I’m southeast!) And I have to say nothing is quite so intense as watching a volcano erupt during a severe lightning storm. It really drove home the surround sound experience!!

So Paramedic wants to meet and after I get this “proper” e-mail and I think I’m going to say okay.

There wasn’t much to this e-mail so I thought I would also share a story from my college years.

One of my roommates, we’ll call her Jenny dated a guy … we’ll call him Mike. Mike was a little … well we suspect he took cold pills … copiously and so he ended up living with us for months and doing some weird stuff.

They were baking one day and she asked him for a cup of milk. He gave her a party glass full of milk. He had no concept of the measurement “cup.”

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I was home sick and watching Coach Carter. He asked to watch it with me and then ever four minutes said, “Man, this movie—it just makes me want to go shoot some hoops. Wanna go play some bball with me?” After the third time, I stopped reminding him I would if I wasn’t running a fever and throwing up every half hour.

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He attempted to heat up leftovers. That would have been fine if he had not put a Tupperware container on our electric stove top and turned on the burner.

He fiddled with Jenny’s beta fish filter and when another roommate came out and saw the fish flopping in an inch of water, she saved the fish and told Jenny she thought it might be the filter because she noticed Mike touching it. Roommate was accused of plotting to break up their happiness by accusing him of fish murder.

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Later on, Jenny and Mike met online and discovered they were actually first cousins by marriage. They still continued to date and the stories just kept getting crazier! Lol maybe one day I’ll make a post dedicated to their relationship …

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In the meantime, have a happy Fourth of July …. which really only is probably celebrated by the USAians lol So happy early weekend to everyone not celebrating the Fourth!

 

XOXO