Between a Hobbit and a Hard Place


We left off on an optimistic note about Airman Andrew … unfortunately he did his disappearing act and flew away into the sunset … without a message back. A week later I did receive a response … but he’d given too much time for me to wait and I’d moved on to bigger and better options … or so I’d thought …

I started talking to two other guys on OkCupid. One is the Banker. The Banker is 6’3”, has three sisters, and loves Cedar point. He’s fairly cute and reminds me slightly of Jim from the office from profile pic appearances. That being said, I saw some warning signs with the Banker (who is actually a software developer for Chase Bank). He does not like scary movies and he goes to sleep at TEN p.m. I am nocturnal by nature and this was concerning to say the least …


The other prospect was one I will refer to as Missouri. He seemed cute from photos with a mop of curly hair, 6’0”, had and a cute smile. He LOVED scary movies … possibly as much as I do and seemed to share in my enthusiasm for travel and life in general. He texted me back promptly and asked me to meet him this week to play pool sometime. Charmed, I agreed.

But like all good things, this illusion came to an end …


The more I found out about Missouri, the less attracted I became. He had moved over a month ago to my state to “chill with his friends.” Then I asked what he did and he replied that he was “thinking about applying to work at the Goodwill when he got around to it.” Then he sent a picture of himself to my phone. It was not a picture of anatomy I didn’t need to see … but it was weird nonetheless. It was simply a headshot of his face and he had captioned it, “Me at some party in Columbus.” I want to say first that I simply don’t understand the need guys have for constantly sending pictures of ANY nature to someone they’ve never met. I get that they want pictures back but wouldn’t it be so much easier to simply meet early on so no one’s wasting their time? These pictures weird me out. The other bad news was that Missouri had apparently gotten a new haircut to go with his new address. And it was not cute. Gone was the lovable curly mop of hair and replacing it was a military short cut with highwater bangs. Please believe me when I say: It was not cute.

The more I talked with him, the more it became clear. Missouri was a bum.


This past weekend I took my cousin out for drinks for my birthday to a sports bar. While there in response to his constant requests, we took a picture together and sent it to his phone. In response he sent back a photo of him with his friends saying simply. “I’m in the back!”

That could be taken to mean in the back of the picture, but I recognized the signs behind them. He was in the sports bar. Now, had he been the cute, adventurous, non-creepy person I started talking to, I would have been excited to learn this. Considering the fact that I had pretty much decided to stop talking to him, it felt a little more like the scene from When a Stranger Calls: “We traced the call, it’s coming from inside the house! Get out of the house!”


In panic I started scanning the crowd and I located his vibrant green hoodie towards the back of the bar. And he was five foot tall to be generous.

I’m not a person to judge shorter guys. I’m just not attracted to them, with myself being 5’9.” That being said, I do have a problem with someone saying they are 6’0” and being a foot shorter. With his hoodie, new haircut, and odd posture, he looked just like a hobbit. A hobbit bum.


He texted me again saying it sounded like I was having so much fun he and his friends had decided to come out and join us. Suddenly just like the police officer’s warning in the movie, all I could think was “It’s coming from inside of the house!


Filing my cousin in (who though thanks to her Patron shots thought that this was hilarious), I grabbed her and made a beeline for the bathroom. When we emerged, there was no sign of him. Now, was this a cowardly thing to do? OF COURSE it was. I’m not a hero … I’m a survivor. And I did not want to face the discordant music that talking to Missouri face to face would have brought.

Afterwards I stopped texting him. I usually pride myself on being able to tell a person and just bring closure to the situation, but I was feeling might passive aggressive this weekend. That being said, this did not stop Missouri from sending me SEVENTEEN messages on Easter Sunday, four messages on Monday and a grand total of three messages on Tuesday and Wednesday. He was literally having a conversation with himself. I never messaged him back. He would ask about my day, then tell me what he planned to do with his, then tell me how those plans turned out … so very, very concerning … like an insane person carrying on a conversation with themselves.


No messages today thank the heavens. Was my silent disappearing act that I so loathe honorable? No, it was not. That being said, I unstuck Missouri, a potentially sticky character from my side. So I’m gonna say that was a close one. Everything about him creeped me out eventually …

The Banker on the other hand has gotten better with time. He is fun to talk to, cheerful, and attentive. He seems normal … which is the unicorn these days … and we have a date set up for this coming Monday … fingers crossed! He seems so decent! J I’m hoping for a happy change with this one …

And of course, I have a couple of selected OkCupid messages to share ….


In third place, the Gibberish Tycoon: “I think you’re my supersymmetric boson partner, know why?”

I’m going to assume this was supposed to intrigue me and make me feel compelled to message him. Nice try dude, but nope I’m good.


Second place goes to the generic Sugar Daddy (that, let’s face it, rears his head from time to time): “Hey there. Great profile and pics. You are incredibly gorgeous! Interested in a sugar daddy? I would love to show you an amazing time. I promise you it will be well worth it.”

Yeah … considering that the phrase “sugar daddy” is how you identify yourself …. Probably not …


And first place this week goes to not a message, although it was a certainly heartfelt and creative “Heyyy bby” (yeah … I think the missing “a” is intentional, see further patterns), it is the Eminem Wannabe’s profile that deserves the win.

My self-summary: [His snapchat, sound cloud, and home phone number]

What I’m doing with my life: Makin music

I’m really good at: Makin people feel goooo

The First things people usually notice about me: My tats

You should message me if: You wanna chill”

I also feel the need to share his income bracket stated as “50,000 to 60,000.”

As chill and as goooo as he might be able to make people feel making music … I’m just not sure he’s raking it in without at least a few unscrupulous side jobs at the docks …. So unfortunately I had to pass on that self-promoter.

Tonight’s the night! Speed dating tonight at 6:20 so less than five hours away! Hopefully I’ll be able to pull something together to share in this bucket list experience … and indeed survive it well J

Until next time!