Prince Charming and Chainsaws

A1

Have you ever watched a horror movie and said: “Wow, yeah I would never do that because I would know it would end up like Chainsaw Massacre.” I have, and yet, I found myself in an oddly similar situation this weekend. My roommate also has a POF account and she made some horror movie bad life decisions that got me sucked in. Yes, I know you’re reading this roommate. You know what you did. Clearly, spoiler alert, we both lived. But still, it’s too funny to not recount.

A9

For my first full day off in a long time, I decided to go hiking. There is one trail I love hiking that’s about 20 minutes away from my apartment and really takes the city away and infused nature. It’s rejuvenating. My roommate had never been but wanted to come as well. Of course I wondered why her hair was down and she was applying bronzer for a hike. Needless to say she had invited a guy she’d been talking to on POF to go on said remote, secluded, hour and a half before dark hike with us. I discover this deception moments before it’s time to go. And against my better judgment, we head off.

I tried to reason with my roommate why this was a bad idea. Never meet a stranger (that could easily be on the hunt for human organs) to a secluded place alone. She pointed out I was along so it would be perfect. At the worst, I’m an extra body for him to hunt down and kill to eliminate any witnesses. At the best I’m an annoying third wheel chaperone. I couldn’t wait.

A3

On the way there I think my roommate began to get nervous. Reasonably so. This area a mere 20 minutes away is a little remote, a little like these people are not going to be getting out of their houses to come help people in need. We passed people pulling a big black bag in the back of an SUV on the side of the road. My roommate wanted to know what they had in the bag. I said it’s best not to ask questions. Shortly after that, a man walked across the road with a chainsaw. We literally passed a man with a chainsaw. I felt at that point maybe we deserved to be murdered for ignoring all of the signs.

A2

Thankfully we were not murdered. Arriving, her date, a 21-year-old we’ll call the Graduate in honor of my roommate (age 24)’s young taste in this case. The Graduate was not necessarily bad in any way. My roommate did most of the talking. He did laugh, seemed normal, and didn’t attempt to kill us. I really couldn’t have asked for more in the circumstances. She has seen him since and is infatuated. I’m not convinced about the Graduate quite yet of course, but this story could have been much worse. For the most part I like to play it safe and keep all of my organs.

A5

I’ve started talking to a new guy, Airman Andrew. He is a ginger (a cute ginger mind you) and has a picture of him flying a plane. He’s a security guard at a hospital so while not a pilot, there’s still the hot uniform aspect. He seems normal so I’m waiting for the crazy. Until then, I’m having fun talking to him. Maybe I’ll have another date lined up before the speed dating challenge (which I am suddenly not so excited about—maybe it’s the prospect of really creepy older guys …)

OkCupid Highlights

We’ve got some real winners in terms of creativity, motivation, and pure ingenuity.

In third place is Richard Simmons doppelgänger:

A7

Richard says:  “Could you do me a favor and help restart my heart. because is stopped after I saw you are you for or against cuddling? if you are for it would you want to cuddle with me right now?”

Who wouldn’t have something against that? I’m most certainly against cuddling.

Second place goes to the nice older gentleman who almost convinced me to actually go on a date with him because he did make me laugh regardless of the 20+ age gap.

A6

Nice Older Gentleman says: “I said “Like a good neighbor State Farm is there” with a beautiful girl to match up with me and “boom” you’re profile came up.”

Touché Nice Older Gentleman. Touché.

First place however will have to go to the 22-year-old opportunist.

A8

Young Opportunist just goes for it and while he’s there, he figures, might as well try to kill two birds with one stone: “Hey there, you are really attractive and I would love to get to know you! If nothing else I have an incredible business opportunity I’d like to share if you have a few minutes!

Yes Young Opportunist, I’m thinking you were smart to throw that in there. I am indeed not feeling the chemistry, but would be interested in this exciting business opportunity. It’s unfortunate he had deleted his account within an hour. Otherwise I might have been making so much money I would never have to work again.

Last but not least, I took my mother (who I adore completely and is my best friend) and her boyfriend (who I tolerate because of the mother I adore) to see Cinderella in theaters. Prince Charming was hot as all get out and I really had to try to not be won over by another man on screen. It’s just not healthy for me to keep comparing the OkCupid population to them. However, the highlight of the night came not from the movie, but from directly afterward while my mother was in the bathroom. Her boyfriend helpfully put in: “You shouldn’t be so worried you’ll be alone for the rest of your life. One day you too will be a fair maiden and find your prince charming.”

A4

Then he followed it up by adding that when I do go on a date with a guy, I should drug him and keep him chained in a closet. He found that hilarious and to cheer me up, he repeated this joke several more times throughout the evening.

Needless to say, I was certainly cheered up by the end of the evening. A solid lesson in love for a Tuesday.

Until next time!

XOXO

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