Between a Hobbit and a Hard Place

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We left off on an optimistic note about Airman Andrew … unfortunately he did his disappearing act and flew away into the sunset … without a message back. A week later I did receive a response … but he’d given too much time for me to wait and I’d moved on to bigger and better options … or so I’d thought …

I started talking to two other guys on OkCupid. One is the Banker. The Banker is 6’3”, has three sisters, and loves Cedar point. He’s fairly cute and reminds me slightly of Jim from the office from profile pic appearances. That being said, I saw some warning signs with the Banker (who is actually a software developer for Chase Bank). He does not like scary movies and he goes to sleep at TEN p.m. I am nocturnal by nature and this was concerning to say the least …

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The other prospect was one I will refer to as Missouri. He seemed cute from photos with a mop of curly hair, 6’0”, had and a cute smile. He LOVED scary movies … possibly as much as I do and seemed to share in my enthusiasm for travel and life in general. He texted me back promptly and asked me to meet him this week to play pool sometime. Charmed, I agreed.

But like all good things, this illusion came to an end …

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The more I found out about Missouri, the less attracted I became. He had moved over a month ago to my state to “chill with his friends.” Then I asked what he did and he replied that he was “thinking about applying to work at the Goodwill when he got around to it.” Then he sent a picture of himself to my phone. It was not a picture of anatomy I didn’t need to see … but it was weird nonetheless. It was simply a headshot of his face and he had captioned it, “Me at some party in Columbus.” I want to say first that I simply don’t understand the need guys have for constantly sending pictures of ANY nature to someone they’ve never met. I get that they want pictures back but wouldn’t it be so much easier to simply meet early on so no one’s wasting their time? These pictures weird me out. The other bad news was that Missouri had apparently gotten a new haircut to go with his new address. And it was not cute. Gone was the lovable curly mop of hair and replacing it was a military short cut with highwater bangs. Please believe me when I say: It was not cute.

The more I talked with him, the more it became clear. Missouri was a bum.

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This past weekend I took my cousin out for drinks for my birthday to a sports bar. While there in response to his constant requests, we took a picture together and sent it to his phone. In response he sent back a photo of him with his friends saying simply. “I’m in the back!”

That could be taken to mean in the back of the picture, but I recognized the signs behind them. He was in the sports bar. Now, had he been the cute, adventurous, non-creepy person I started talking to, I would have been excited to learn this. Considering the fact that I had pretty much decided to stop talking to him, it felt a little more like the scene from When a Stranger Calls: “We traced the call, it’s coming from inside the house! Get out of the house!”

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In panic I started scanning the crowd and I located his vibrant green hoodie towards the back of the bar. And he was five foot tall to be generous.

I’m not a person to judge shorter guys. I’m just not attracted to them, with myself being 5’9.” That being said, I do have a problem with someone saying they are 6’0” and being a foot shorter. With his hoodie, new haircut, and odd posture, he looked just like a hobbit. A hobbit bum.

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He texted me again saying it sounded like I was having so much fun he and his friends had decided to come out and join us. Suddenly just like the police officer’s warning in the movie, all I could think was “It’s coming from inside of the house!

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Filing my cousin in (who though thanks to her Patron shots thought that this was hilarious), I grabbed her and made a beeline for the bathroom. When we emerged, there was no sign of him. Now, was this a cowardly thing to do? OF COURSE it was. I’m not a hero … I’m a survivor. And I did not want to face the discordant music that talking to Missouri face to face would have brought.

Afterwards I stopped texting him. I usually pride myself on being able to tell a person and just bring closure to the situation, but I was feeling might passive aggressive this weekend. That being said, this did not stop Missouri from sending me SEVENTEEN messages on Easter Sunday, four messages on Monday and a grand total of three messages on Tuesday and Wednesday. He was literally having a conversation with himself. I never messaged him back. He would ask about my day, then tell me what he planned to do with his, then tell me how those plans turned out … so very, very concerning … like an insane person carrying on a conversation with themselves.

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No messages today thank the heavens. Was my silent disappearing act that I so loathe honorable? No, it was not. That being said, I unstuck Missouri, a potentially sticky character from my side. So I’m gonna say that was a close one. Everything about him creeped me out eventually …

The Banker on the other hand has gotten better with time. He is fun to talk to, cheerful, and attentive. He seems normal … which is the unicorn these days … and we have a date set up for this coming Monday … fingers crossed! He seems so decent! J I’m hoping for a happy change with this one …

And of course, I have a couple of selected OkCupid messages to share ….

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In third place, the Gibberish Tycoon: “I think you’re my supersymmetric boson partner, know why?”

I’m going to assume this was supposed to intrigue me and make me feel compelled to message him. Nice try dude, but nope I’m good.

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Second place goes to the generic Sugar Daddy (that, let’s face it, rears his head from time to time): “Hey there. Great profile and pics. You are incredibly gorgeous! Interested in a sugar daddy? I would love to show you an amazing time. I promise you it will be well worth it.”

Yeah … considering that the phrase “sugar daddy” is how you identify yourself …. Probably not …

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And first place this week goes to not a message, although it was a certainly heartfelt and creative “Heyyy bby” (yeah … I think the missing “a” is intentional, see further patterns), it is the Eminem Wannabe’s profile that deserves the win.

My self-summary: [His snapchat, sound cloud, and home phone number]

What I’m doing with my life: Makin music

I’m really good at: Makin people feel goooo

The First things people usually notice about me: My tats

You should message me if: You wanna chill”

I also feel the need to share his income bracket stated as “50,000 to 60,000.”

As chill and as goooo as he might be able to make people feel making music … I’m just not sure he’s raking it in without at least a few unscrupulous side jobs at the docks …. So unfortunately I had to pass on that self-promoter.

Tonight’s the night! Speed dating tonight at 6:20 so less than five hours away! Hopefully I’ll be able to pull something together to share in this bucket list experience … and indeed survive it well J

Until next time!

XOXO

Andie

Saw Movies and Fifty Shades of Sexting

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So, when last we left off, Coach Taylor had disappeared, Tall Paul was on the missing hikers bulletin, and I was sort of considering picking things up with the Bartender. It’s only fitting to start with the most shocking of all.

TALL PAUL IS ALIVE!

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That’s correct folks, Tall Paul is indeed alive and survived his mountain camping excursion. I received a messaged from him on Thursday morning (the first activity on his account since Friday), saying “Well that ended up taking longer than expected.”

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Tall Paul, it appears, really was still away in the mountains, and though not eaten by a bear, it appears his extreme date with nature ran over (whether by getting lost or his own decision we may never truly know).

Even more surprising is the fact that he messaged me back. So we will see how things develop with Tall Paul. I just find it amazing the dead-eyed survivor made it back safe and sound … and wasn’t just blowing me off.

It’s the little things … 🙂

Now, on to the next order of business … my unfortunate dealings with Coach Taylor. Just like that wild dog that doesn’t seem to want to stay but keeps showing up for treats from time to time, Coach Taylor has once again returned.

It all started on Thursday when my roommate posted a picture of us getting ready to go out drinking. Within three seconds, she calls out from the bathroom to ask me what Coach Taylor’s name was again …. Because he had liked the photo within three seconds. Therefore, I wasn’t entirely surprised that moments later I receive a text from him for the first time in a week.

Of course NOT being a glutton for punishment, I didn’t text him back. I know instinctively that there’s just something about this wild canine that would not make a good companion.

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Seven shots later we were texting. And he was asking me if he had mentioned how pretty I was, to which I responded (I’m afraid with alcoholic cattiness) ‘you did cover that.’ He also mentioned that I was delicious. Not really sure how he would know that considering we have most certainly never made out …

But in the end, all of this led to last night’s conversation which I am transcribing for you. I’m not sure there’s any other way to convey this….

Him: So can i tell you something without you being offended … I feel like I need to tell you … You were in my dream the other night …

Me: Haha … um … okay?

Him: I had a sex dream … I’m sorry if this offends you

Me: Haha had to get that off your chest and confess? These things happen ..

Him: Yes … lol ok i thought you were gonna get mad …

Me: I have amazing zen

Him: Yeah I agree, can see that for sure!

Me: That being said of course, I might have shown concern if you had said ‘Hey I had a dream about that movie Saw … and you were in it … and I was jigsaw’

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Him: Lol I’ve never seen those movies and I don’t want to

Me: I’m saying that would have been more concerning …

Him: Lol yeah … But I saw 50 shades of grey and then dreamed about you instead

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Me: I have seen that one …

Him: Well it wasn’t anything crazy like that

Me: ….

I think he was partially wondering if I would think he was a creep or if I would be turned on and because of my neutral response he has seemed confused ever since. I do feel slightly creeped out, and slightly flattered. This is the first time someone has felt the need to confess for having lustful thoughts about me …

So I don’t know what to think about Coach Taylor. Except, just like that wild dog … I don’t think that I could ever really trust him to stay….

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Dead Eyes and Deal Breakers

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Ahoy fellow wordpressers! I’ve once again surfaced from the depths of online dating to share a couple notable stories from my week. In this episode, Tall Paul and his crazy eyes, Coach Taylor and the disappearing act … again, and a very confused German exchange student.

So first things first. After Coach Taylor blew up my phone, I agreed to give it another go and set a date with him for last Thursday. Shortly after this conversation, I never heard from him again. Indeed, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday trudged along with dead silence. Finally on Thursday I sent out a text seeing what was up with the plans for our date. Shockingly enough (considering the huge silence) the text I got back was: “Out of town, sorry I was meaning to text you…”

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Well I can’t say it’s out of character. If you’ll remember, Coach Taylor had disappeared on me once before … quite out of the blue that time as well. It was obvious that the out of town fairies took his phone. That’s what the out of town fairies do. I’ve had a lot of run-ins with them in the past … I was gracious though in my “I kind of figured” text back and there has been no communication since. I think my coworker was actually more upset than I was. The fact is that we didn’t connect and that would probably have been the last time I saw him anyway. If I can survive the bartender wedding date disaster … this was nothing.

Tall Paul was a guy I started talking to this same past week. He was blonde, a computer systems analyst, and liked the outdoors. Plus, he was witty without being overly sexual. Don’t get me wrong, flirting is A-okay in my book. But really I’m tired of being frightened to get photos from guys and also it just transitions way too soon for me! Three messages in and it’s like a brainwave gets jumpstarted: Time for sexting. I’m not judging sexting, but I like to know I LIKE someone before thinking about getting into that.

So Tall Paul was appealing in that he was fun but not lecherous. I love the outdoors too … but I think it’s safe to say his love is a bit more … militant than mine lol …. He was explaining to me about his solo camping trip he would be taking this past weekend on Thursday night. Freeze dried food, no map and just some tarp for a tent. He also used the phrase “Be one with nature.” Showing this message to my roommate to ask her if he sounded a little TOO hippieish, she was very disturbed catching a glimpse of his photo. “No, you need to stop talking to him. He’s got crazy eyes! He looks like a serial killer.”

Okay so this guy was cute and blonde! My type exactly. And I can honestly say he didn’t have crazy eyes. It was more dead eyes … you know the soulless look?

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And yeah it was slightly serial killerish, but I try not to be too harsh with ruling people out and you never know, it could just be the camera angle! I wished him luck on his venture and he told me he would be out of service range all weekend.

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I never have heard back from Tall Paul. The fact of the matter is, it’s very likely Tall Paul decided to move on and lost interest after his commune with nature. That being said, it is also possible that while exploring the great wilderness around him, Tall Paul was eaten by a bear and his body may never be recovered.  Only time and his account activity will tell ….

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Notable mentions from this week include the German exchange student who became extremely confused.  The following conversation occurred on Friday night after my serving shift.

Him: Hey, just wanted to say hi! You look nice. I’m from Germany.

Me: Wow that’s a long way from here! How are you?

Him: Good I must go to sleep though. For long while thought my father was dead. He is in U.S. in hospital with vein troubles and may not live though I have found him finally at last! Waiting for doctors and must see. Am very tired. Good-night. Thanks!

Me: ……

So that was one of the strangest conversations I think I may have ever had …

Second notable mention comes from across the Atlantic as well!

“You’ve a very interesting profile. You look beautiful & kind hearted. Your eyes seems like a magical ocean. There is innocence on your face. Life seems living in your cute smile & expressions. Are these tresses unfurled heavy dusk? You seems like a master piece chiseled out from marble. Am I seeing a dream or do you exist in reality? Overall you’re breath taking. I’m not trying to be judgmental. As we share an amazing compatibility percentage. So that means there may be something between us. Let’s chat and see if it may turn into a good friendship or possibly something more. Please take a look at my profile. Believe me I’m not lying or sugar coating words just talking from the heart. Though, I’m far but I would still love to know you. Your reply would be appreciated. I’ll be glad to hear back from you.”

Number one, it didn’t sound like he was struggling against being judgmental, but that was considerate of him to resist making judgment calls. Number two, marble. As much as I like myself I think I can safely say my body has NOT been carved out of marble lol. Number three, innocence. Sigh.

I think I’m really looking for a short distance relationship, regardless of the ocean comment. My eyes really do look like a magical ocean after all! If a magical ocean is indeed green and brown …

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Lastly we have Friends with Benefits guy. I am guilty of messaging him first because he looked like a (cliché I know) bad boy. And after the Coach Taylor experiment failed, I thought that might be fun to try. Yeah. Basically I knew better lol. Our conversation went as follows:

Me: Hey what’s up?

Him: Nothing much, what are you on here for? 😉

[Winky smiles always send me warning signs….]

Me: I’m just looking to date, meet new people, not jump into anything heavy fast. What about you?

Him: So fwb?

[Friends with Benefits?]

Me: … umm no. probably not.

Him: Lol Then I don’t think I completely understand lol

Me: haha rereading that might have been misleading …. i’ve been trying to meet lots of new people … but not just to have sex with them lol

Him: Ohhhhhhhhh ok lol. Now I get it lol

Me: haha yeah so …. what are you on here for?

Him: Something open …I’m ok with fwb situation. Relationship open relationship. I’m open lol

Me: Haha gotcha gotcha … sometimes that works lol

Him: It does from time to time. But equally fun lol

Me: Yep

You’ve gotta give him props … he was indeed very open. That was just a little TOO much in the other direction for me. Sometimes I feel a little like Goldilocks lol … So far nothing’s been JUST right. Well … one bartender certainly felt that way … and we have talked a little bit since then … but I’ll save that for another day … 🙂

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Until next time!

XOXO

Andie

Trolls and Tales

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So just as a little filler for while my dating life is gearing up for another round of dates (i.e. one painstaking one at a time), I thought I might share a couple of messages I’ve received online. A couple from trolls I’m sure, and then a couple tragically, I believe are real. And those are perhaps the most concerning …

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Exhibit A:

“Hello, you appear sane and are adorable in your pictures. I would enjoy talking if you’re interested.”

I have to say, this prospect (more of a December to my May) had an interesting approach. Sane and adorable? I felt more like I was an animal at a cracked out petting zoo!

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Exhibit B:

“Is your last name Gillette? Because you’re the best a man can get.”

Okay, so this one was pretty cute. However, I was not interested in the profile answers which revealed he did not believe in monogamy and was only looking for casual sex. That and his (albeit completely honest) height of 5’1” led to a decided lack of response on my part.

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You never realized just how sexual the advertisements for razors could be, did you??

Exhibit C:

“Heya girlie. Love the profile and pics. Not sure if you would be interested but I’m looking for a woman interested in having sex with my boyfriend while I am gone for work. I travel a lot for work and decided to allow him to have a playmate while I am gone. Think you would be interested?”

Okay, so I feel the need to divulge this one was from a woman … at least, the profile stated it was a girl. However, the reason this little gem didn’t win the grand ultimate supreme title was because … this was a troll. And if the incredulous reaction to the request wasn’t enough, I have had this same exact message before from the same exact profile with the same exact picture about three years ago. So yeah, sorry, but not sorry I won’t be interested in be your “boyfriend’s” playmate Blake Lively lookalike ….

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Grand Ultimate Supreme Title Champion:

(okay so can you tell I’ve been watching a bit of Toddlers and Tiaras on Netflix lately?)

This is my weirdest message to date.

“Wow you look cute enough to take to church. So this is my 1st week on the site and I just thought you was cute and liked your profile. I guess ill ask some random questions and hope to hear back from you. Let’s see. Favorite Color? You look like a yoga girl have you tried it before? Do you like candles ? there’s a hook to this question. Lol”

Okay soo many questions.

First of all, not sure if the church comment was supposed to be a compliment?? Do I look as though I belong in a church like a nun, good Christian girl, or, it did occur to me, do I look scandalous and need to be taken to church to be saved? I would like to think it’s the latter …

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Random questions are fine, unnecessarily announcing your intentions is a little weird and … unnecessary.

I can honestly say I have an average body, but have never ever been accused of looking like I do yoga. I do not have the lithe, stretchable body type. My physical therapist used to tell me I had the tightest hamstrings she’d ever seen. Also, trust me on this, I do NOT look like a yoga girl. And yes, I have tried—and failed several times.ImageTrust me, I do not look like that. When I tried, I looked more along the lines of this guy below …Image

And last but not least. Do I like candles? It seemed innocent enough, but there’s apparently a hook to this question—which was probably the most concerning comment of the entire message. How is there a hook to liking candles? Was he planning on taking a sexual hook? Did he have a candle fetish? Was he allergic and that would eliminate me from the running?

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Or maybe did his place look a little something like this?Image

Alas, I never responded back to bubbles. Yes, his screen name was a variation of bubbles and he no longer has an account. It was a lost opportunity.

It appears I will be haunted forever by the question, what was the hook??

Perhaps he enjoyed making human people candles like these?

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Until next time—hope I have some more good date stories for ya!

XOXO