Fight Club and Fishing

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Many, many new stories for this week. First and foremost, I have decided to go speed dating in a couple of weeks so that’s something for me to count down to. I can only assume it will be horrifyingly entertaining ….

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Now, on to the recap of last week. On Thursday, my roommate and I hit a college bar, Pretty Fish. Her amusing friend … Little Finger (forgive my post-game of thrones reference, but it fits so well!), a rather short student at the college (but he’s 24 like us) is a friend of hers and met us there. When random guys would walk past us at the bar he would stop them and do a bro handshake, saying, “Hey, what’s up man? Have you met  (my roommate)? She’s a really nice lady!” This went on for a while and he actually did call attention to a guy and his friend halfway through the night with his antics. This guy looked pretty much like Edward Norton Jr. (Fight club version) and his friend was rather cartoonish looking. A bit shorter than me, with sandy brown hair slicked back WAY too much. Also, I’ve never understood the phrase a mouth full of teeth until I met him.

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While Edward Norton Jr. was cute, he wasn’t terrific … he was just better than his friend. So when he sidled up to my roommate, I knew with dread who would fill the empty chair by my side. Sure enough, his friend got comfortable.

Now, I did try to talk with this friend, who informed me he was a men’s inspirational motivational speaker. Motivational speaker also had an avid interest in ballroom dancing and wanted to show me some moves. I politely declined. He then explained his job which involved one-on-one motivational training. Apparently he takes guys out to social areas like malls and helps them interact with women. He then asked me if I was always so reserved sexually.

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I wasn’t sure if that was a demonstration of his self-assurance or if he was weird. After several more questions of a similar nature I determined that was all him. Meanwhile on the dance floor, Edward Norton Jr. and my roommate were dancing. Actually they were bouncing up and down. Little Finger remarked that it appeared to be all Edward Norton Jr. knew how to do. Apparently it was sufficient. But eventually the bounce dancing ended and Motivation Speaker seemed to recognize my disinterest and called a girl to come drink with him. More power to you Motivational Speaker. More power to you.

While my roommate chatted with Little Finger, Edward Norton commented on how much he loved my hair because it “was both thick and pretty and normally you don’t have both.” Then he asked me what shampoo I used—Herbal Essences. He seemed particularly pleased with the brand. I was fifty-fifty at this point that Edward Norton Jr. might be high. When he later offered us an eight-ball of coke, I was pretty sure.

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Motivational Speaker left a while after with his girl who was a friend. Little Finger asked Edward Norton Jr. if his friend was friendzoned with the girl. Edward Norton Jr. was pretty sure it was a yeah.

The night ended with my roommate, me, Little Finger, and Edward Norton Jr. talking by my car in the street at 2a.m. He asked Little Finger if he would be interested in doing some pornographic filming and that he could get paid $700 for recruiting a person so Little Finger should imagine how much HE could make. It supposedly would only take a total of eight hours for one weekend. Little Finger declined after some consideration. It was 3a.m. before my roommate and I could get away. Later, my roommate grew concerned that Little Finger wasn’t responding to her texts. So I sent him a message:

“Hey so (my roommate’s) very concerned that Edward Norton Jr. might have knifed you. I am mildly concerned that Edward Norton Jr. might have sold you into sex slavery for $700 so he could buy another eight-ball of coke. Are you cool?”

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To everyone’s relief, Little Finger is alive and well.

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Other updates:

I never heard back from Coach Taylor … not that I put a lot of effort into it either to be fair …

I never heard back from Tall Paul. This was a bit more upsetting. But last night I did have a 12 hour nightmare that I was trying to exorcise his possessed being so perhaps things weren’t meant to be there …

Notable OKcupid message? Hails from a 36 who looks startlingly like my 75 year-old grandpa …

“You look like a pop star. If you could sing, I’d totally record the shit out of you ;P”

Thank you 36 year old grandpa. I appreciate you and how you believe in my stardom qualities. It’s amazing you can sense my one year of honors choir lurking behind the photo.

Also, yes, I am sure you would love dabble in “recording” … smooth 36 year old grandpa … very smooth.

JACKASS PRESENTS: BAD GRANDPA

That’s all for now! Until next time,

XOXO

Andie

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