French Thieves and Freaky Foot Fetishes

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So, I have to say that there are few things left in this online dating world that have the power to disturb me. What you are about to witness has left me extremely disturbed and alarmed. I was just casually checking through my OkCupid inbox messages and stumbled across a general, normal sounding message. The guy looked sort of like the French thief from the Ocean’s 12 movie.

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So, curious, I clicked on the profile and dear lord in heaven. What I unearthed is not for those faint of heart because this guy has some serious problems. So, this post will be devoted entirely to a breakdown of the French Thief and his profile—what he felt would be his best foot forward.

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The message was innocuous:

“In addition to the other amazing things on your profile …. You still throw up the peace sign in pics :)”

Yes, if you are wondering, I am a big fan of the peace sign lol … and I found this message cute without being overly pushy or sexual right off the bat. Well. First impressions can be majorly misleading as you are about to discover….

His profile starts out with his Self Summary: (please keep in mind this is his chance to describe what he is looking for and provide a good description of himself to others):

IF YOU WOULD PREFER TO JUDGE ME ON MY SEXUAL PREFERENCES, THEN GET TO KNOW ME AS A PERSON, KEEP SEARCHING.”

Right off the bat … a strong start. I have a feeling that if someone were to judge him based on his sexual preferences they would never GET to the get to know him as a person stage. Just a suspicion.

I do NOT have time for that. I come off sexually STRONG AS F*** in the beginning. Its a test. Don’t like it, don’t bother taking to me. I wrote this profile mostly sexually based to get it all out on the table. Show me some curiosity, and ask about what I’m not saying…”

Now, I’m not saying that he’s a liar, but if the rest of his profile is to be believed, he is sexual to a freaky degree and I’m pretty sure it’s not a test. I’m pretty sure this is his normal. Also, usually people talk about what’s important to them, but sure, I like his idea of directing people to pluck topics out of the air that are important regarding him … you know the things he’s NOT saying that are apparently super important and are not part of the test.

That being said…

Please read my entire profile before you judge me. The ENTIRE thing. Don’t judge me based on my sexual experience. If you honestly think that’s all I care about, move on. I’m not the one for you.
I’m affectionate, loving, and sexual. Maybe not everything is perfect in my life, but… If you just gave it a shot, and I mean a real shot, maybe I just could surprise you.
Well French Thief, your sexual preferences have been ALL that you’ve mentioned so far so besides the things you aren’t saying of which we have no idea what those might be …. What else is there to judge? Trust me, this section intimates that there is a deeper revelation beyond freaky sex addition …. Just keep reading.

Well, to be frank, im  [French Thief]. And to be honest, i currently play with 800-1200 pound rolls of plastic for fun at work. Usually found on my phone playing clash of clans, or hanging out with friends. Im trying really uber hard to figure out what i wanna do with my life, so in the meantime, i thought id play with plastic 😀 seemed legit. If you have any questions, just ask me. Im a pretty fun guy you can ask around :p currently wondering why in hell you bother with the site if you.arent gunna talk to high ranking matches. If youre a 91% match with someone…, give them.a shout. It could be your soul mate there infront of.you
One more thing. If you can pick up stuff with your toes–thats an advanced plus :p

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So this is actually the beginning of the profile. I assume that first part was just set up to the profile and part of the test. Right. So, the plastic job sounds great. Note, this might be an actually interesting job, but you’ve got to love his setup and description. He is meticulous to the t. Then, I really love how in the second half, he goes into the semi-standard rant against all those prior (and most likely future after reading his profile) matches who don’t respond to his messages. Way to stick it to them. Also, the advanced plus? First evidence and Exhibit A of his foot fetish. Way to sneak that in there French Thief. It definitely came across as cute and not creepy.

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Slight profile update….. I do have a high sex drive. Something that happens. I dont like blow jobs and have a preference for feet. I know its weird, but, everyone has their thing. Im a genuinely nice guy who has been ripped to shreads in past relationships. Ive been called every name in the book by past ex’s, and sometimes i may have deserved it. I wont ask to pee on you, but if you like to wear heels, that usually gets my attention quickly. Im very romance focused. Love is something i yearn for but usually get f****d. That being said, it takes two hands to hold, but only one to be lonely— take that how you want. My downfall is red hair and green eyes. Not that type of girl usually takes an interest, but lately ive gotten lucky thanks to okc. Im desperately shy, unless i see you and “it” clicks. Once again, take that how you want. Im willing to go out of my way to make you happy, give killer back massages, and, since i have a foot fetish, killer foot rubs go with the territory.”
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Okay. So, feet over blow jobs. I’m going to make that Foot Fetish Evidence Exhibit B. I’m also a big fan of revealing vulnerability over past soured relationships. I appreciate your honesty French Thief, in confessing that, when your ex’s have called you “every name in the book” and “ripped you to shreads,” that you have indeed deserved it.

The pee comment brings relief, only to be dashed by Foot Fetish evidence Exhibit C: high heels can always get his attention. Also just the fact that he’s comparing high heels to pee fetishes. That also.

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I definitely came to the conclusion that he was romance-focused. Who wouldn’t after the overwhelming evidence so far??

I do in fact have red hair and hazel eyes so the reason for his message to me becomes clear. Also, I was DEFINITELY getting the shy vibe from this profile.

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Foot Fetish evidence Exhibt D: “ i have a foot fetish

Am I the only one who thinks he instigates back massages so they lead to foot massages?

Another slight profile update. I love sex. Im good at it and its a self esteem booster for me. That being said, i wont f*** every girl that happens by. Jesus. Im not a total man whore. But if we sexually click, im happy. If the sex sucks, i probably wont call you again, but redos are okay.”
I want to take a moment and say I love his “profile updates.” I feel like the amendments really round out this summary section.

Pretty sure if the sex sucks no one would be wanting another call, but, duly noted. That being said, if the sex sucks the girl wouldn’t be able to blame him because he is amazing at sex … it would have to be her fault. Obviously.

Also, again, I’m really feeling the shy vibe. Being shy is CLEARY what has been holding this guy back from finding the girl of his dreams.

Also known as a “sir”, or a “daddy”, if you have read 50 shades of grey, you understand what this entails.“

Having actually read 50 Shades of Grey, I’m pretty sure this guy hasn’t. “Daddy” was only used when the main character was talking to her father (who she was not having sex with).

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So I’m thinking now maybe these shoes might be more on French Thief’s level …

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Btw. So many ps’s in this intro…
But..
. Doesn’t anyone realize that “hi” doesn’t always mean, “lets f***….. ?? That sometimes hi actually means, well…. “Hi”?
If I message you.saying “hi”, it means hi
.”

That’s okay French Thief, I don’t mind the P.S.’s because each one adds such a delightful new flavor to this character summary.

This flavor is similar in taste to the rant about matches not responding, being instead a rant about those who don’t respond well to his messages. I have a feeling though that they might think “Hi” from you indicates a hookup based upon your confessions of, and paragraphs detailing your, sex addiction. The “Hi” might not have been the culprit after all. We have to examine all of the angles…

One more side note…. This one’s the single most important thing in my profile you will ever read… When I love, and I mean, really love, I love hard…. I love deeply. You will feel it in not only my touch, but you will feel it in my words. You won’t hear them, you will feel them. It will be instant, “it” Will click, and when it does, my entire being with suddenly become mesmerized by you. No, I’m not talking about being obsessed. I’ve been obsessed, and I’ve loved the way I’ve explained. The way I LOVE…. Is mind blowing. Your heart, soul, spirit and body will feel it when I say “I love you”.”

“……. It’s only happened once. But my god, it was the single most amazing thing I’ve ever known. And if I ever get that lucky to love like that again, nothing else in the world could possible ever matter to me. Because when I loved like that, she was the only girl that ever made me smile. And I mean really… Actually… Smile. To be honest, that’s what I’m REALLY looking for right now. and if you aren’t looking for that kind of love, please, don’t message me.”

Okay so, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say  that when he mentions you won’t hear the love in his words you will feel them that, this is going to be one of those you’re going to have to read between the lines of what I’m NOT saying moments.

Let’s take a closer look at this statement. “No, I’m not talking about being obsessed. I’ve been obsessed…” and let that sit with you for a moment.

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Also, what happened to the girl who made him smile? Was it Lindsey Lohan’s twin? Does he still have her feet preserved and pickled somewhere? Do we know who killed her?

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Sadly that was the end of his self summary. A wonderful summation of himself I’m not afraid to decree. But there is this delightful bonus!

The six things I could never do without

Food
Cell phone
Computer
Sex–
Books
Knowledge
I know it said six, but f*** you.
Seventh and most importantly.
Love
.”

But where are feet on this list?!?!

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Wrapping up this wonderful snapshot into the life of a foot fetish serial killer, I would like to reveal the most horrifying thing I discovered on this profile.

4-28-2015 10-21-37 AM

Yes, he has children.

Children.

I hope you all have a wonderful night’s sleep tonight, because I have a feeling I’ll be up for a while mending socks to last me the summer and checking to make sure the door is locked.

I KNOW WHO KILLED ME

Until next time,

XOXO

Andie

Pre-Dating and Pinterest Prejudices

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So, as promised … the Pre-dating (also known as Speed Dating) story. As promised, I did indeed drag my roommate to go speed dating with me a couple of weeks ago. It was in an upscale country bar (apparently these exist) and we each got six minutes with our 10 speed daters. To categorize it as a whole seems so unfair, so I decided this blog would be a breakdown of each speed dater 1-10. I tried to order them from most normal to the strangest and somewhat disturbing. Because I wisely checked yes to all of the names, I got to see who all said yes and who all said no. Basically it reminded me of the go-sees from America’s Next Top Model. So I’ll be listing my callback results as well!

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1.) Florida Keys Hurricane Guy

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I actually liked Florida Keys the most of any of my fellow speed daters. He was about my height, blonde and cute looking. He had just moved to my city from the Florida Keys and in the six minutes we chatted, he told me some really funny stories of what happens in the Florida Keys during hurricane season … but alas, he was actually the first person I talked to and it was hard to break the ice the first time …

Callback? No.

2.) Moving to Chicago Guy

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Chicago guy was just weird. He spent a majority of our six minutes explaining his excitement for his pending move to Chicago. He was average height and dark hair. Nice looking, but yeah, I don’t think that looking for a girlfriend right before a move across the country is how I would tackle things … very strange.

Callback? Yes*

*However I’m still perplexed as to how that would work. Perhaps he has a long distance fetish??

3.) Cameroon Part 1

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This guy was from Cameroon Africa. That’s totally cool. However, judging me for not having visited Africa? Not cool! Yeah I want to see all 50 states first and then start working on Europe. I’m not saying there’s anything against vacationing in Africa, it’s just not the next vacation on my list … I’m planning to get to everything EVENTUALLY lol He also asked if I was a good cook. I explained I was a great assembler, and yet he did not seem impressed. Very short.

Callback? Yes.

4.) The Guy Who Was a Writer

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This guy was from India, but had been in the U.S. for a while. He was pretty old, hitting the 34 age gap I’d guess … but a nice person. The attraction wasn’t there and I have to admit, when he found out that I write he went on a three minute long explanation of his plans to be a writer. I tried to be supportive, but the conversation was pretty lackluster.

Callback? Yes.

5.) The Guy Who Couldn’t Speak English

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This guy was fun. As soon as he sat down, I realized he really couldn’t speak English. Like not much at all. So after asking what I did (write textbooks) he continued to think I worked in textiles and was a seamstress. Eventually I let him think this. It was easier. It’s very possible he was a lovely person, or that he was saying some crazy messed up stuff like Christian Bale in American Psycho. I’ll never know because I had no idea what he was saying….

Callback? No.

6.) Cameroon Part 2

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If you thought Cameroon Part 1 guy was fun, he had nothing on his friend, Cameroon Part 2. Part 2 was less attractive, but taller and man, did he like to have fun. Immediately, he launched into his stories of how much fun he’d had since being in the U.S. (he was apparently French/African and split his time between the two countries—again I’m not sure of the feasibility of any relationship here) This guy’s favorite place in the world? Las Vegas. And he was eager to share that his love of Vegas stemmed from the fact that when he went there he could just “drink and gamble, drink and gamble, drink and gamble all day long.”

Who doesn’t want to sign on to a long time commitment with this guy??

Callback? Yes.

7.) The Guy Who Loved Grandma Pizza

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Pizza guy was strange in that he was trying to be funny but he let some of the creepy stuff through along with his humor. He was nerdy looking and had an untidy appearance, dark hair. And apparently he really loved pizza when grandmas were making it. You may ask, his grandma? No, apparently he has found a place in the city where a grandma makes the pizza and he can watch from his booth. I have lived here for two years and I have no idea where he’s referring to. That being said, I was mildly disturbed by this omission and as a parting gift told him of a great pizza place to try. Sadly no grandmas are involved in the making of those pizzas …

Callback? Yes.

8.) The Guy Who Knew Everyone

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This guy was great and had been around. A lot. Like, he apparently had graduated from three different colleges and had four different hometowns if all of his discussions could be believed. He had a great pickup line. “Hey, I swear I know you from somewhere!” He was as good as the fortune tellers who predict you’ve had a great tragedy and when you mention the death of your dog, voilà! They knew it! The only sad part was that he was extremely loud and his revelations of coincidences could be heard throughout the bar. Because unless he was a member of the Cullen vampire family adding to  their graduation hat collage, there’s no way he had that many childhoods, high schools, and colleges.

Callback? No.

9.) The Guy Who Didn’t Want to Be There

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This guy was great. He was pushing 32 and had a receding hairline, but otherwise looked young. The only problem? He really didn’t want to be there. He continually sat in broken silence answering with a “right,” or a “yep.” That really helped the conversation flow along about as well as a dripping sink. I had better conversation with the guy who couldn’t speak English.

Callback? No.

10.) The Guy Who Hated Women

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This guy, he was definitely my favorite. I would say if I had to wager a guess that he had lied about his age because no way was he under the 34 age limit. I would say mid-40s for sure. That being said, he was a sexy older guy. Blonde hair, an arm tattoo to make him seem a little dangerous, and sinfully wealthy. From the Rolex and designer clothes, to the arrogance, it was obvious, this guy had serious money.

As soon as he sat down, he got off on the right foot. “So,” he started cockily, “here’s where you’re going to spend six minutes telling me about yourself and then I’ll tell you what I think about what you’ve said.”

Out of the gate, how does it get better than that? Beautiful.

And maybe because I was so in awe of this opener, he proceeded to spend the next five minutes talking about himself. Now, I’m not going to lie, I was a little attracted to Woman Hater. He had a little bit of the Christian Grey Hot Older Guy with a Lot of Money appeal about him. He owned a custom home building company. And apparently he’d really been traumatized by his female clients.

“So basically,” he continued into minute four, “the couple shows up and the guy doesn’t get a say because the woman has 800,000 Pinterest pins. Because all women spend every second of their day pinning dream things for their dream homes on Pinterest. And then they try to give the guy a shoebox for his stuff and want a closet the size of a small house for themselves.”

Lovely.

When he finally got around to asking me a question about myself, I started off by saying, “Well I don’t have a Pinterest.” Then I tried to ask him if he’d lived anywhere else than here. “Oh,” his arrogance reared its head, “So, I’m sorry, but you think you can ask the questions now?” I laughed (and trust me it was a purposeful laugh) “Yeah, I do,” I responded, but sadly our six minutes were up. I feel like we had such chemistry going.

Callback? A shocking no.

Overall the experience was a little awkward, but mostly just interesting. If I took anything away from this? It’s that my many meetups with online strangers has really helped me be able to talk to a complete stranger with ease. All in all, I’ll take a 50% callback rating and classify the speed dating venture as a success.

Until next time,

XOXO

Andie

Prince Charming and Chainsaws

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Have you ever watched a horror movie and said: “Wow, yeah I would never do that because I would know it would end up like Chainsaw Massacre.” I have, and yet, I found myself in an oddly similar situation this weekend. My roommate also has a POF account and she made some horror movie bad life decisions that got me sucked in. Yes, I know you’re reading this roommate. You know what you did. Clearly, spoiler alert, we both lived. But still, it’s too funny to not recount.

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For my first full day off in a long time, I decided to go hiking. There is one trail I love hiking that’s about 20 minutes away from my apartment and really takes the city away and infused nature. It’s rejuvenating. My roommate had never been but wanted to come as well. Of course I wondered why her hair was down and she was applying bronzer for a hike. Needless to say she had invited a guy she’d been talking to on POF to go on said remote, secluded, hour and a half before dark hike with us. I discover this deception moments before it’s time to go. And against my better judgment, we head off.

I tried to reason with my roommate why this was a bad idea. Never meet a stranger (that could easily be on the hunt for human organs) to a secluded place alone. She pointed out I was along so it would be perfect. At the worst, I’m an extra body for him to hunt down and kill to eliminate any witnesses. At the best I’m an annoying third wheel chaperone. I couldn’t wait.

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On the way there I think my roommate began to get nervous. Reasonably so. This area a mere 20 minutes away is a little remote, a little like these people are not going to be getting out of their houses to come help people in need. We passed people pulling a big black bag in the back of an SUV on the side of the road. My roommate wanted to know what they had in the bag. I said it’s best not to ask questions. Shortly after that, a man walked across the road with a chainsaw. We literally passed a man with a chainsaw. I felt at that point maybe we deserved to be murdered for ignoring all of the signs.

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Thankfully we were not murdered. Arriving, her date, a 21-year-old we’ll call the Graduate in honor of my roommate (age 24)’s young taste in this case. The Graduate was not necessarily bad in any way. My roommate did most of the talking. He did laugh, seemed normal, and didn’t attempt to kill us. I really couldn’t have asked for more in the circumstances. She has seen him since and is infatuated. I’m not convinced about the Graduate quite yet of course, but this story could have been much worse. For the most part I like to play it safe and keep all of my organs.

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I’ve started talking to a new guy, Airman Andrew. He is a ginger (a cute ginger mind you) and has a picture of him flying a plane. He’s a security guard at a hospital so while not a pilot, there’s still the hot uniform aspect. He seems normal so I’m waiting for the crazy. Until then, I’m having fun talking to him. Maybe I’ll have another date lined up before the speed dating challenge (which I am suddenly not so excited about—maybe it’s the prospect of really creepy older guys …)

OkCupid Highlights

We’ve got some real winners in terms of creativity, motivation, and pure ingenuity.

In third place is Richard Simmons doppelgänger:

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Richard says:  “Could you do me a favor and help restart my heart. because is stopped after I saw you are you for or against cuddling? if you are for it would you want to cuddle with me right now?”

Who wouldn’t have something against that? I’m most certainly against cuddling.

Second place goes to the nice older gentleman who almost convinced me to actually go on a date with him because he did make me laugh regardless of the 20+ age gap.

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Nice Older Gentleman says: “I said “Like a good neighbor State Farm is there” with a beautiful girl to match up with me and “boom” you’re profile came up.”

Touché Nice Older Gentleman. Touché.

First place however will have to go to the 22-year-old opportunist.

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Young Opportunist just goes for it and while he’s there, he figures, might as well try to kill two birds with one stone: “Hey there, you are really attractive and I would love to get to know you! If nothing else I have an incredible business opportunity I’d like to share if you have a few minutes!

Yes Young Opportunist, I’m thinking you were smart to throw that in there. I am indeed not feeling the chemistry, but would be interested in this exciting business opportunity. It’s unfortunate he had deleted his account within an hour. Otherwise I might have been making so much money I would never have to work again.

Last but not least, I took my mother (who I adore completely and is my best friend) and her boyfriend (who I tolerate because of the mother I adore) to see Cinderella in theaters. Prince Charming was hot as all get out and I really had to try to not be won over by another man on screen. It’s just not healthy for me to keep comparing the OkCupid population to them. However, the highlight of the night came not from the movie, but from directly afterward while my mother was in the bathroom. Her boyfriend helpfully put in: “You shouldn’t be so worried you’ll be alone for the rest of your life. One day you too will be a fair maiden and find your prince charming.”

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Then he followed it up by adding that when I do go on a date with a guy, I should drug him and keep him chained in a closet. He found that hilarious and to cheer me up, he repeated this joke several more times throughout the evening.

Needless to say, I was certainly cheered up by the end of the evening. A solid lesson in love for a Tuesday.

Until next time!

XOXO

Fight Club and Fishing

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Many, many new stories for this week. First and foremost, I have decided to go speed dating in a couple of weeks so that’s something for me to count down to. I can only assume it will be horrifyingly entertaining ….

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Now, on to the recap of last week. On Thursday, my roommate and I hit a college bar, Pretty Fish. Her amusing friend … Little Finger (forgive my post-game of thrones reference, but it fits so well!), a rather short student at the college (but he’s 24 like us) is a friend of hers and met us there. When random guys would walk past us at the bar he would stop them and do a bro handshake, saying, “Hey, what’s up man? Have you met  (my roommate)? She’s a really nice lady!” This went on for a while and he actually did call attention to a guy and his friend halfway through the night with his antics. This guy looked pretty much like Edward Norton Jr. (Fight club version) and his friend was rather cartoonish looking. A bit shorter than me, with sandy brown hair slicked back WAY too much. Also, I’ve never understood the phrase a mouth full of teeth until I met him.

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While Edward Norton Jr. was cute, he wasn’t terrific … he was just better than his friend. So when he sidled up to my roommate, I knew with dread who would fill the empty chair by my side. Sure enough, his friend got comfortable.

Now, I did try to talk with this friend, who informed me he was a men’s inspirational motivational speaker. Motivational speaker also had an avid interest in ballroom dancing and wanted to show me some moves. I politely declined. He then explained his job which involved one-on-one motivational training. Apparently he takes guys out to social areas like malls and helps them interact with women. He then asked me if I was always so reserved sexually.

A4 microphone on the stage and auditorium

I wasn’t sure if that was a demonstration of his self-assurance or if he was weird. After several more questions of a similar nature I determined that was all him. Meanwhile on the dance floor, Edward Norton Jr. and my roommate were dancing. Actually they were bouncing up and down. Little Finger remarked that it appeared to be all Edward Norton Jr. knew how to do. Apparently it was sufficient. But eventually the bounce dancing ended and Motivation Speaker seemed to recognize my disinterest and called a girl to come drink with him. More power to you Motivational Speaker. More power to you.

While my roommate chatted with Little Finger, Edward Norton commented on how much he loved my hair because it “was both thick and pretty and normally you don’t have both.” Then he asked me what shampoo I used—Herbal Essences. He seemed particularly pleased with the brand. I was fifty-fifty at this point that Edward Norton Jr. might be high. When he later offered us an eight-ball of coke, I was pretty sure.

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Motivational Speaker left a while after with his girl who was a friend. Little Finger asked Edward Norton Jr. if his friend was friendzoned with the girl. Edward Norton Jr. was pretty sure it was a yeah.

The night ended with my roommate, me, Little Finger, and Edward Norton Jr. talking by my car in the street at 2a.m. He asked Little Finger if he would be interested in doing some pornographic filming and that he could get paid $700 for recruiting a person so Little Finger should imagine how much HE could make. It supposedly would only take a total of eight hours for one weekend. Little Finger declined after some consideration. It was 3a.m. before my roommate and I could get away. Later, my roommate grew concerned that Little Finger wasn’t responding to her texts. So I sent him a message:

“Hey so (my roommate’s) very concerned that Edward Norton Jr. might have knifed you. I am mildly concerned that Edward Norton Jr. might have sold you into sex slavery for $700 so he could buy another eight-ball of coke. Are you cool?”

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To everyone’s relief, Little Finger is alive and well.

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Other updates:

I never heard back from Coach Taylor … not that I put a lot of effort into it either to be fair …

I never heard back from Tall Paul. This was a bit more upsetting. But last night I did have a 12 hour nightmare that I was trying to exorcise his possessed being so perhaps things weren’t meant to be there …

Notable OKcupid message? Hails from a 36 who looks startlingly like my 75 year-old grandpa …

“You look like a pop star. If you could sing, I’d totally record the shit out of you ;P”

Thank you 36 year old grandpa. I appreciate you and how you believe in my stardom qualities. It’s amazing you can sense my one year of honors choir lurking behind the photo.

Also, yes, I am sure you would love dabble in “recording” … smooth 36 year old grandpa … very smooth.

JACKASS PRESENTS: BAD GRANDPA

That’s all for now! Until next time,

XOXO

Andie

Dead Eyes and Deal Breakers

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Ahoy fellow wordpressers! I’ve once again surfaced from the depths of online dating to share a couple notable stories from my week. In this episode, Tall Paul and his crazy eyes, Coach Taylor and the disappearing act … again, and a very confused German exchange student.

So first things first. After Coach Taylor blew up my phone, I agreed to give it another go and set a date with him for last Thursday. Shortly after this conversation, I never heard from him again. Indeed, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday trudged along with dead silence. Finally on Thursday I sent out a text seeing what was up with the plans for our date. Shockingly enough (considering the huge silence) the text I got back was: “Out of town, sorry I was meaning to text you…”

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Well I can’t say it’s out of character. If you’ll remember, Coach Taylor had disappeared on me once before … quite out of the blue that time as well. It was obvious that the out of town fairies took his phone. That’s what the out of town fairies do. I’ve had a lot of run-ins with them in the past … I was gracious though in my “I kind of figured” text back and there has been no communication since. I think my coworker was actually more upset than I was. The fact is that we didn’t connect and that would probably have been the last time I saw him anyway. If I can survive the bartender wedding date disaster … this was nothing.

Tall Paul was a guy I started talking to this same past week. He was blonde, a computer systems analyst, and liked the outdoors. Plus, he was witty without being overly sexual. Don’t get me wrong, flirting is A-okay in my book. But really I’m tired of being frightened to get photos from guys and also it just transitions way too soon for me! Three messages in and it’s like a brainwave gets jumpstarted: Time for sexting. I’m not judging sexting, but I like to know I LIKE someone before thinking about getting into that.

So Tall Paul was appealing in that he was fun but not lecherous. I love the outdoors too … but I think it’s safe to say his love is a bit more … militant than mine lol …. He was explaining to me about his solo camping trip he would be taking this past weekend on Thursday night. Freeze dried food, no map and just some tarp for a tent. He also used the phrase “Be one with nature.” Showing this message to my roommate to ask her if he sounded a little TOO hippieish, she was very disturbed catching a glimpse of his photo. “No, you need to stop talking to him. He’s got crazy eyes! He looks like a serial killer.”

Okay so this guy was cute and blonde! My type exactly. And I can honestly say he didn’t have crazy eyes. It was more dead eyes … you know the soulless look?

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And yeah it was slightly serial killerish, but I try not to be too harsh with ruling people out and you never know, it could just be the camera angle! I wished him luck on his venture and he told me he would be out of service range all weekend.

A3

I never have heard back from Tall Paul. The fact of the matter is, it’s very likely Tall Paul decided to move on and lost interest after his commune with nature. That being said, it is also possible that while exploring the great wilderness around him, Tall Paul was eaten by a bear and his body may never be recovered.  Only time and his account activity will tell ….

A4

Notable mentions from this week include the German exchange student who became extremely confused.  The following conversation occurred on Friday night after my serving shift.

Him: Hey, just wanted to say hi! You look nice. I’m from Germany.

Me: Wow that’s a long way from here! How are you?

Him: Good I must go to sleep though. For long while thought my father was dead. He is in U.S. in hospital with vein troubles and may not live though I have found him finally at last! Waiting for doctors and must see. Am very tired. Good-night. Thanks!

Me: ……

So that was one of the strangest conversations I think I may have ever had …

Second notable mention comes from across the Atlantic as well!

“You’ve a very interesting profile. You look beautiful & kind hearted. Your eyes seems like a magical ocean. There is innocence on your face. Life seems living in your cute smile & expressions. Are these tresses unfurled heavy dusk? You seems like a master piece chiseled out from marble. Am I seeing a dream or do you exist in reality? Overall you’re breath taking. I’m not trying to be judgmental. As we share an amazing compatibility percentage. So that means there may be something between us. Let’s chat and see if it may turn into a good friendship or possibly something more. Please take a look at my profile. Believe me I’m not lying or sugar coating words just talking from the heart. Though, I’m far but I would still love to know you. Your reply would be appreciated. I’ll be glad to hear back from you.”

Number one, it didn’t sound like he was struggling against being judgmental, but that was considerate of him to resist making judgment calls. Number two, marble. As much as I like myself I think I can safely say my body has NOT been carved out of marble lol. Number three, innocence. Sigh.

I think I’m really looking for a short distance relationship, regardless of the ocean comment. My eyes really do look like a magical ocean after all! If a magical ocean is indeed green and brown …

A5

Lastly we have Friends with Benefits guy. I am guilty of messaging him first because he looked like a (cliché I know) bad boy. And after the Coach Taylor experiment failed, I thought that might be fun to try. Yeah. Basically I knew better lol. Our conversation went as follows:

Me: Hey what’s up?

Him: Nothing much, what are you on here for? 😉

[Winky smiles always send me warning signs….]

Me: I’m just looking to date, meet new people, not jump into anything heavy fast. What about you?

Him: So fwb?

[Friends with Benefits?]

Me: … umm no. probably not.

Him: Lol Then I don’t think I completely understand lol

Me: haha rereading that might have been misleading …. i’ve been trying to meet lots of new people … but not just to have sex with them lol

Him: Ohhhhhhhhh ok lol. Now I get it lol

Me: haha yeah so …. what are you on here for?

Him: Something open …I’m ok with fwb situation. Relationship open relationship. I’m open lol

Me: Haha gotcha gotcha … sometimes that works lol

Him: It does from time to time. But equally fun lol

Me: Yep

You’ve gotta give him props … he was indeed very open. That was just a little TOO much in the other direction for me. Sometimes I feel a little like Goldilocks lol … So far nothing’s been JUST right. Well … one bartender certainly felt that way … and we have talked a little bit since then … but I’ll save that for another day … 🙂

A6

Until next time!

XOXO

Andie

Reincarnation and Reappearances

P4

So basically I’ve gone MIA for a few months … and I’ve missed all of the feedback, I’ve missed reading everyone’s blogs … I’ve missed being part of a community. Basically I let a bad experience get me down and that’s never something someone wants to admit. Long story short, one guy I was talking to—let’s call him French Lawyer—seemed great and too good to be true and even though I went into the date wary … I got disillusioned.

But have no fear! I am back and prepared to go into 2015 with all the vitality one needs to survive the dating world.

So … back to the middle of LAST year … when last I left off, I was talking to the Paramedic. If you’ll remember, he was hunky and Italian and all around cute! Plus …. The uniform! Enough said! I ended things off with the Paramedic though before we got a first date in. He seemed oddly offended by my lack of love for NASCAR racing and incorporated one too many jokes about his ailing grandfather diagnosed with Alzheimer’s …. Trust me … these were decidedly NOT in good taste. All in all, I removed myself from that concerning situation …

I have officially had a first date of 2015! Another fish from POF, I call this one Coach Taylor … after Friday Night Lights (he used to be a high school coach for one of my rival high schools)P3

Interestingly enough, he started talking to me around November of 2014, and when I say talking, I mean excessively texting. Excessively. And I thought: hey why not give it a shot? Then right before Christmas, he falls off the face of the earth.

Then out of nowhere he reappears and texts me what’s up. Then came the amusing exchange of texts figuring out who he was and then we agreed to go out. We went to a restaurant right across the street from my restaurant! And prior to the date he was overly concerned about my height. He kept texting me, asking me how tall I was and seemed very concerned. Naturally this made ME concerned because his profile had said he was 6’5”…..

Thankfully when we met, he really was 6’5” and he seemed relieved to find I was actually 5’9”. According to him, I look very, very tall in my FB photos lol

The thing about Coach Taylor is, I had a fun time talking to him (even if he is a little crazy ….) but I didn’t feel the stirring to make out with him. In short, the date just didn’t have that spark. We talked about a variety of things

. P1

Most notable standouts in my mind:

  1. He believes reincarnation, Darwinism, and the bible are all the same story. Also, that hell is life on earth: Cheery conversation lol
  2. He has been in a stressed relationship with his brother because his brother works for the government and he distrusts the government: His brother is a post office worker.
  3. He asked me if I had ever smoked marijuana: When I said I had not, he responded my saying Whyyyy??

He’s not UNattractive, he’s just not attractive either. He’s kind of … goofy looking? Lol It’s difficult to describe, but if you’ve ever seen a child hold their breath when they’re mad … that’s kind of his resting face. It’s very strange lol.

That being said, he’s still talking to me, and talking to him was easy. He’s asked when he can see me again and I’ve agreed to another date later this week. So, we shall see how take two goes ….

P2

Coach Taylor seems to be very nice, loves his mom, works hard, and is attentive. That being said, if there’s still no spark after this time, I think it’ll be time to call it quits.

Until next time!

XOXO

Andie

Of Pompeii and Paramedics

#5

So Rich Guy and the Paramedic. Normally I wouldn’t label anyone as Rich Guy, but—he did advertise himself in this way. That was his highlighted feature! I liked Rich Guy, but I haven’t heard back from him in a few days and I have a feeling that fish is dead in the water. The Paramedic on the other hand? That’s one’s a strong marine creature.

#6

He is definitely a strange fish though. I messaged him first, interested in his profession. I mean … come on, nothing’s hotter than saving lives in a uniform! But he may be one of those fish who are discovered living in the depths of the ocean from a dark dark place that light never touches. Basically … he’s uncharted territory. Super cute, from the same state as me, then moved out west and just moved back here this week. He’s a paramedic on the side and works for hospital administration too. He’s cute Italian. Dark preppy cut hair, strong roman face, athletic build SUPPOSEDLY six foot. So from the photos if they can be trusted, he’s quite attractive.

#2

The one good thing about my profile is my photos pull no punches. I’m not a great beauty although I like my hair and think I have fairly interesting features, though not classically pretty. Average build, I’m slightly taller, but again, my photos show this too when I’m standing with my friends. So hopefully anyone I meet won’t be expecting Kate Moss or Olivia Wilde.

However, there’s no guarantee he’ll look like HIS photos—which I try to keep in mind. He’s also an older brother to three sisters, which I find adorable. Having always wanted an older brother—it’s been a really attractive quality for me in guys. It’s just that cute thing … idk idk.

I digress from the real issue. He writes novels. No, not actual books, but his messages to me are never less than 1,000 words. Anyone who has done online dating knows getting long messages are usually like pulling teeth! So it’s kind of weird that he sends such long personal e-mails. I’m not sure what this means…

#4

Always the pessimist, I’m slightly concerned that this rare creature may have developed this trait as a protective measure, via Darwin and survival of the fittest. Maybe the long letters are to make up for something else—something I can’t see in the dark.

#7

Or maybe he’s just really chatty and this signifies nothing except that I have finally met someone who can talk as much as me!

He even sent me a message last night that said he was still getting settled so he would send me a proper message today. Proper message, aka, a super long essay.

I don’t mind really, I enjoy leaning a lot in those e-mails and he’s from match.com, which signifies he’s maybe looking for more than just a hookup—which would be nice lol.

So I’m definitely looking for some opinions on this. Like I said, I wasn’t born yesterday into online dating and I can appreciate a guy who talks and tells stories, but I just have literally never met someone who has SO MUCH to say! It’s a mystery for now.

In other news, my friends wanted to set me up on a date with a guy two hours away. He was blonde they told me and it would be great. However, did some investigation and yeah, he is sooo tiny and looks young. Like illegal age young. Also it turns out, he used to have a gigantic CRUSH on my friend setting me up. Not really a fan of pushed together leftovers. So as lovely as the intent was behind the setup, I had to decline that one. I may be searching, but I don’t consider myself desperate …. yet lol.

#3

I watch Pompeii last night and we had series of severe thunderstorms. A lightning strike burnt down a house on the east side of the city. (I’m southeast!) And I have to say nothing is quite so intense as watching a volcano erupt during a severe lightning storm. It really drove home the surround sound experience!!

So Paramedic wants to meet and after I get this “proper” e-mail and I think I’m going to say okay.

There wasn’t much to this e-mail so I thought I would also share a story from my college years.

One of my roommates, we’ll call her Jenny dated a guy … we’ll call him Mike. Mike was a little … well we suspect he took cold pills … copiously and so he ended up living with us for months and doing some weird stuff.

They were baking one day and she asked him for a cup of milk. He gave her a party glass full of milk. He had no concept of the measurement “cup.”

#9

I was home sick and watching Coach Carter. He asked to watch it with me and then ever four minutes said, “Man, this movie—it just makes me want to go shoot some hoops. Wanna go play some bball with me?” After the third time, I stopped reminding him I would if I wasn’t running a fever and throwing up every half hour.

#10

He attempted to heat up leftovers. That would have been fine if he had not put a Tupperware container on our electric stove top and turned on the burner.

He fiddled with Jenny’s beta fish filter and when another roommate came out and saw the fish flopping in an inch of water, she saved the fish and told Jenny she thought it might be the filter because she noticed Mike touching it. Roommate was accused of plotting to break up their happiness by accusing him of fish murder.

#8

Later on, Jenny and Mike met online and discovered they were actually first cousins by marriage. They still continued to date and the stories just kept getting crazier! Lol maybe one day I’ll make a post dedicated to their relationship …

#11

In the meantime, have a happy Fourth of July …. which really only is probably celebrated by the USAians lol So happy early weekend to everyone not celebrating the Fourth!

 

XOXO