French Thieves and Freaky Foot Fetishes

A9

So, I have to say that there are few things left in this online dating world that have the power to disturb me. What you are about to witness has left me extremely disturbed and alarmed. I was just casually checking through my OkCupid inbox messages and stumbled across a general, normal sounding message. The guy looked sort of like the French thief from the Ocean’s 12 movie.

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So, curious, I clicked on the profile and dear lord in heaven. What I unearthed is not for those faint of heart because this guy has some serious problems. So, this post will be devoted entirely to a breakdown of the French Thief and his profile—what he felt would be his best foot forward.

A1

The message was innocuous:

“In addition to the other amazing things on your profile …. You still throw up the peace sign in pics :)”

Yes, if you are wondering, I am a big fan of the peace sign lol … and I found this message cute without being overly pushy or sexual right off the bat. Well. First impressions can be majorly misleading as you are about to discover….

His profile starts out with his Self Summary: (please keep in mind this is his chance to describe what he is looking for and provide a good description of himself to others):

IF YOU WOULD PREFER TO JUDGE ME ON MY SEXUAL PREFERENCES, THEN GET TO KNOW ME AS A PERSON, KEEP SEARCHING.”

Right off the bat … a strong start. I have a feeling that if someone were to judge him based on his sexual preferences they would never GET to the get to know him as a person stage. Just a suspicion.

I do NOT have time for that. I come off sexually STRONG AS F*** in the beginning. Its a test. Don’t like it, don’t bother taking to me. I wrote this profile mostly sexually based to get it all out on the table. Show me some curiosity, and ask about what I’m not saying…”

Now, I’m not saying that he’s a liar, but if the rest of his profile is to be believed, he is sexual to a freaky degree and I’m pretty sure it’s not a test. I’m pretty sure this is his normal. Also, usually people talk about what’s important to them, but sure, I like his idea of directing people to pluck topics out of the air that are important regarding him … you know the things he’s NOT saying that are apparently super important and are not part of the test.

That being said…

Please read my entire profile before you judge me. The ENTIRE thing. Don’t judge me based on my sexual experience. If you honestly think that’s all I care about, move on. I’m not the one for you.
I’m affectionate, loving, and sexual. Maybe not everything is perfect in my life, but… If you just gave it a shot, and I mean a real shot, maybe I just could surprise you.
Well French Thief, your sexual preferences have been ALL that you’ve mentioned so far so besides the things you aren’t saying of which we have no idea what those might be …. What else is there to judge? Trust me, this section intimates that there is a deeper revelation beyond freaky sex addition …. Just keep reading.

Well, to be frank, im  [French Thief]. And to be honest, i currently play with 800-1200 pound rolls of plastic for fun at work. Usually found on my phone playing clash of clans, or hanging out with friends. Im trying really uber hard to figure out what i wanna do with my life, so in the meantime, i thought id play with plastic 😀 seemed legit. If you have any questions, just ask me. Im a pretty fun guy you can ask around :p currently wondering why in hell you bother with the site if you.arent gunna talk to high ranking matches. If youre a 91% match with someone…, give them.a shout. It could be your soul mate there infront of.you
One more thing. If you can pick up stuff with your toes–thats an advanced plus :p

A3

So this is actually the beginning of the profile. I assume that first part was just set up to the profile and part of the test. Right. So, the plastic job sounds great. Note, this might be an actually interesting job, but you’ve got to love his setup and description. He is meticulous to the t. Then, I really love how in the second half, he goes into the semi-standard rant against all those prior (and most likely future after reading his profile) matches who don’t respond to his messages. Way to stick it to them. Also, the advanced plus? First evidence and Exhibit A of his foot fetish. Way to sneak that in there French Thief. It definitely came across as cute and not creepy.

A&

Slight profile update….. I do have a high sex drive. Something that happens. I dont like blow jobs and have a preference for feet. I know its weird, but, everyone has their thing. Im a genuinely nice guy who has been ripped to shreads in past relationships. Ive been called every name in the book by past ex’s, and sometimes i may have deserved it. I wont ask to pee on you, but if you like to wear heels, that usually gets my attention quickly. Im very romance focused. Love is something i yearn for but usually get f****d. That being said, it takes two hands to hold, but only one to be lonely— take that how you want. My downfall is red hair and green eyes. Not that type of girl usually takes an interest, but lately ive gotten lucky thanks to okc. Im desperately shy, unless i see you and “it” clicks. Once again, take that how you want. Im willing to go out of my way to make you happy, give killer back massages, and, since i have a foot fetish, killer foot rubs go with the territory.”
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Okay. So, feet over blow jobs. I’m going to make that Foot Fetish Evidence Exhibit B. I’m also a big fan of revealing vulnerability over past soured relationships. I appreciate your honesty French Thief, in confessing that, when your ex’s have called you “every name in the book” and “ripped you to shreads,” that you have indeed deserved it.

The pee comment brings relief, only to be dashed by Foot Fetish evidence Exhibit C: high heels can always get his attention. Also just the fact that he’s comparing high heels to pee fetishes. That also.

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I definitely came to the conclusion that he was romance-focused. Who wouldn’t after the overwhelming evidence so far??

I do in fact have red hair and hazel eyes so the reason for his message to me becomes clear. Also, I was DEFINITELY getting the shy vibe from this profile.

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Foot Fetish evidence Exhibt D: “ i have a foot fetish

Am I the only one who thinks he instigates back massages so they lead to foot massages?

Another slight profile update. I love sex. Im good at it and its a self esteem booster for me. That being said, i wont f*** every girl that happens by. Jesus. Im not a total man whore. But if we sexually click, im happy. If the sex sucks, i probably wont call you again, but redos are okay.”
I want to take a moment and say I love his “profile updates.” I feel like the amendments really round out this summary section.

Pretty sure if the sex sucks no one would be wanting another call, but, duly noted. That being said, if the sex sucks the girl wouldn’t be able to blame him because he is amazing at sex … it would have to be her fault. Obviously.

Also, again, I’m really feeling the shy vibe. Being shy is CLEARY what has been holding this guy back from finding the girl of his dreams.

Also known as a “sir”, or a “daddy”, if you have read 50 shades of grey, you understand what this entails.“

Having actually read 50 Shades of Grey, I’m pretty sure this guy hasn’t. “Daddy” was only used when the main character was talking to her father (who she was not having sex with).

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So I’m thinking now maybe these shoes might be more on French Thief’s level …

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Btw. So many ps’s in this intro…
But..
. Doesn’t anyone realize that “hi” doesn’t always mean, “lets f***….. ?? That sometimes hi actually means, well…. “Hi”?
If I message you.saying “hi”, it means hi
.”

That’s okay French Thief, I don’t mind the P.S.’s because each one adds such a delightful new flavor to this character summary.

This flavor is similar in taste to the rant about matches not responding, being instead a rant about those who don’t respond well to his messages. I have a feeling though that they might think “Hi” from you indicates a hookup based upon your confessions of, and paragraphs detailing your, sex addiction. The “Hi” might not have been the culprit after all. We have to examine all of the angles…

One more side note…. This one’s the single most important thing in my profile you will ever read… When I love, and I mean, really love, I love hard…. I love deeply. You will feel it in not only my touch, but you will feel it in my words. You won’t hear them, you will feel them. It will be instant, “it” Will click, and when it does, my entire being with suddenly become mesmerized by you. No, I’m not talking about being obsessed. I’ve been obsessed, and I’ve loved the way I’ve explained. The way I LOVE…. Is mind blowing. Your heart, soul, spirit and body will feel it when I say “I love you”.”

“……. It’s only happened once. But my god, it was the single most amazing thing I’ve ever known. And if I ever get that lucky to love like that again, nothing else in the world could possible ever matter to me. Because when I loved like that, she was the only girl that ever made me smile. And I mean really… Actually… Smile. To be honest, that’s what I’m REALLY looking for right now. and if you aren’t looking for that kind of love, please, don’t message me.”

Okay so, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say  that when he mentions you won’t hear the love in his words you will feel them that, this is going to be one of those you’re going to have to read between the lines of what I’m NOT saying moments.

Let’s take a closer look at this statement. “No, I’m not talking about being obsessed. I’ve been obsessed…” and let that sit with you for a moment.

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Also, what happened to the girl who made him smile? Was it Lindsey Lohan’s twin? Does he still have her feet preserved and pickled somewhere? Do we know who killed her?

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Sadly that was the end of his self summary. A wonderful summation of himself I’m not afraid to decree. But there is this delightful bonus!

The six things I could never do without

Food
Cell phone
Computer
Sex–
Books
Knowledge
I know it said six, but f*** you.
Seventh and most importantly.
Love
.”

But where are feet on this list?!?!

A6

Wrapping up this wonderful snapshot into the life of a foot fetish serial killer, I would like to reveal the most horrifying thing I discovered on this profile.

4-28-2015 10-21-37 AM

Yes, he has children.

Children.

I hope you all have a wonderful night’s sleep tonight, because I have a feeling I’ll be up for a while mending socks to last me the summer and checking to make sure the door is locked.

I KNOW WHO KILLED ME

Until next time,

XOXO

Andie

Scooby Doo and Stormy Waters

A3

Have you ever had a date where at the end, you walk away feeling like you’re hungover, saying, “What the heck happened?” Yeah … that’s sort of what happened on my date Monday night with the Banker …

Before I get into this date, I did want to say that I did indeed go speed dating and I will post about that this week!

So. The Banker.

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Basically, the Banker had asked me to meet him at a restaurant in a well-known area at 6:30. I could do that, I told him, but I would be coming straight from work so I might be a bit late. He was okay with this and when walking into the restaurant, I texted him to let him know. He told me he was over at that bar with a Guinness. “You can’t miss me,” he texted. Well, I spotted him and thankfully, he was indeed as his pictures had revealed. At least 6’3”, maybe 6’4,” he was pretty cute. He had sandy brown hair, broad shoulders, good body, not too big and definitely not too little. He had this boyish look to him. The best way I can think to describe it is, think of Shaggy from Scooby Doo, at age 24 with no facial hair and cute and modern. So was the Banker.

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Immediately I felt comfortable with him and he launched straightaway into a story. I was slightly charmed. However, the first awkward moment of the night was when the bartender came to get my order. I just asked for a glass of water with lemon because I’m on pain medicine for a back injury. He was shocked at this and said, “Surely you’ll get something?”

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Apparently, and this was a BIG mix-up on my part, I had misunderstood. When he had asked me to meet him at the restaurant, he had apparently meant just to drink. So …. I explained I really couldn’t have that much alcohol but to salvage the situation, I ordered a glass of wine to sip.

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The other bad news was I had skipped lunch to save calories for dinner and I was not mixing drugs and alcohol on an empty stomach … and I had a 30 minute drive home. So I tried to be cautious, but still enjoy the date. I barely sipped.

I enjoyed the Banker’s stories, but it started to feel like he wasn’t working to seek out our chemistry as much as he wanted to talk. And I like talkers. But after a while it started to feel like he was talking AT me instead of WITH me. He did ask me a few questions about myself … but I did start to feel like for the most part I was on the receiving end. The chemistry component wasn’t necessarily lacking … just … neglected. I didn’t really get the feeling that he was as much concerned about flirting with me as he just wanted to talk to somebody.

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His family sounded amazing and with three sisters, the youngest two are blonde twins who could basically be Jessica and Elizabeth from Sweet Valley Twins, and his parents sound sweet. He grew up in a town like mine, with friends like mine, is Catholic like me, he had a similar way of storytelling and just seemed nice. So I stared at him and really tried to figure out, could I marry this person, could I date this person, would it be good to make out with this person? Because trust me, I had A LOT of time to think about this. And I kind of came to the conclusion that he was what I had been asking for. He was certainly ticking a lot of the boxes …

Then a man came over and asked us if we would like to participate in the trivia night about to start up. The Banker immediately said no and asked if I would like to go somewhere else to get away from the soon to be noisy restaurant. I agreed, wondering without much hope if we would be getting dinner.

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We went to another restaurant and when the bartender asked if we needed dinner menus, the Banker assured her we wouldn’t be having dinner. Great. I order another glass of wine having not even sipped a third of my first one at the other restaurant.

It’s not really the fact that we didn’t get dinner (although I was starting to feel a bit sick from the alcohol medicine mix and empty stomach) but he didn’t ask, didn’t check with me. It was like with the guy asking about trivia. He just went ahead and made all those decisions without consulting me. Which made me feel … off put slightly. He did know I was coming straight from work and while he couldn’t know I skipped lunch, he did have to realize it was 9:00 p.m. …

That being said, I could easily have piped up and said I was hungry and paid for it myself … but sadly I just didn’t feel like wondering the night if he would judge me and make me feel fat. So as much as some people might disagree, I just tried to move with it and get through it.

At this new restaurant, more of the same talking difficulties … with me getting a few words in here and there. He did at some points seem to remember he was on a date, but it was such a weird experience. It was almost like I could have been his grandmother. …

Along the way he made two references that made me stop for a minute like, wait, what??

1.) When mentioning his apartment, he said, “It’s hard to describe, but you’ll be seeing it soon anyway.”

Really?? I found this strange. Yeah he never asked me back to his apartment … but still …

2.) When talking about his friends he said, “Well, but when you talk to them you’ll understand.”

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Right. Again with the assumptions … it sounded like in a casual way he was already incorporating me into his life and this was odd considering the lack of flirtation or perceived interest I was getting from him.

We ended the date with a hug and he mentioned he had a fantastic time and wanted to set something up again. I wasn’t sure I would hear from him again, but 12 minutes later, I got a text from him saying, “Hey Andie, had a wonderful time tonight! Let me know how your week and weekend go, I’d love to see you again! Drive safe!”

Yes, he really takes time to text punctuation lol … He also mentioned the illustrious “love” word.

Still feeling sickly I drove myself to the nearest TGI Fridays where my favorite bartenders work. Seated at the bar I ordered dinner by myself and tried to sort out what I was feeling, what I should do.

A11

“What’s wrong sunshine? You don’t look happy…” Alec, one of my favorite bartenders stopped over.

I told him that I had just come from a date and briefly explained as best I could how it went and said I was trying to figure out whether or not to go out with him again.

“Well did you have fun?” Alec asked. “I don’t really know. That’s what I’m trying to figure out,” I told him, to which he responded, “If you don’t know then you didn’t have fun.”

I told Alec he was wise beyond his years … but in the end I set up another date with the Banker for next Monday. He specifically mentioned dinner lol so we’ll see.

We texted briefly the morning after but nothing since. So I’m really confused … he seems to adhere to Katy Perry’s boyfriend’s policy and run hot and cold.

A4

He acted during the date like he considered me part of his life (which was mildly concerning) but then doesn’t talk to me for almost two days? So I’ve started to chat with new prospects and will keep tabs on the Banker situation.

One last bit, I called my co-worker right before my date to tell her it indeed did only take me seven minutes to drive there (and she’s not too keen on my meeting people from the internet) and I received this series of text messages from her throughout the duration of my date [I saw them afterward].

6:57  ARE YOU OKAY?

6:57  DO YOU NEED A BACKUP NINJA

6:57  I won’t lie, I’ve had far too much Chinese food to be ninja-like

6:58  But I will drive to your rescue

6:58  And make ninja sounds

6:58  WHY DID YOU CALL ME

6:58  ARE YOU OKAY

7:07  I bet you called to tell me it took you seven minutes to get to the restaurant

7:07  Which would be LIES

7:07  Are you sure you’re not secretly meeting [hot preppy co-worker]?

7:08  God what if you’re in this guys trunk right now

7:08  And I’m being a lazy jerk talking about ninjas and [hot preppy co-worker]?

7:08  I SHOULD BE SAVING YOU

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So, stay tuned for when the saga continues …. The Banker, Part II …  will it be a startling conclusion? Or a disappointing cliffhanger?  I’m really not sure at this point so we’ll all have to wait and see.

Until next time!

XOXO

Andie

Saw Movies and Fifty Shades of Sexting

A4

So, when last we left off, Coach Taylor had disappeared, Tall Paul was on the missing hikers bulletin, and I was sort of considering picking things up with the Bartender. It’s only fitting to start with the most shocking of all.

TALL PAUL IS ALIVE!

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That’s correct folks, Tall Paul is indeed alive and survived his mountain camping excursion. I received a messaged from him on Thursday morning (the first activity on his account since Friday), saying “Well that ended up taking longer than expected.”

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Tall Paul, it appears, really was still away in the mountains, and though not eaten by a bear, it appears his extreme date with nature ran over (whether by getting lost or his own decision we may never truly know).

Even more surprising is the fact that he messaged me back. So we will see how things develop with Tall Paul. I just find it amazing the dead-eyed survivor made it back safe and sound … and wasn’t just blowing me off.

It’s the little things … 🙂

Now, on to the next order of business … my unfortunate dealings with Coach Taylor. Just like that wild dog that doesn’t seem to want to stay but keeps showing up for treats from time to time, Coach Taylor has once again returned.

It all started on Thursday when my roommate posted a picture of us getting ready to go out drinking. Within three seconds, she calls out from the bathroom to ask me what Coach Taylor’s name was again …. Because he had liked the photo within three seconds. Therefore, I wasn’t entirely surprised that moments later I receive a text from him for the first time in a week.

Of course NOT being a glutton for punishment, I didn’t text him back. I know instinctively that there’s just something about this wild canine that would not make a good companion.

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Seven shots later we were texting. And he was asking me if he had mentioned how pretty I was, to which I responded (I’m afraid with alcoholic cattiness) ‘you did cover that.’ He also mentioned that I was delicious. Not really sure how he would know that considering we have most certainly never made out …

But in the end, all of this led to last night’s conversation which I am transcribing for you. I’m not sure there’s any other way to convey this….

Him: So can i tell you something without you being offended … I feel like I need to tell you … You were in my dream the other night …

Me: Haha … um … okay?

Him: I had a sex dream … I’m sorry if this offends you

Me: Haha had to get that off your chest and confess? These things happen ..

Him: Yes … lol ok i thought you were gonna get mad …

Me: I have amazing zen

Him: Yeah I agree, can see that for sure!

Me: That being said of course, I might have shown concern if you had said ‘Hey I had a dream about that movie Saw … and you were in it … and I was jigsaw’

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Him: Lol I’ve never seen those movies and I don’t want to

Me: I’m saying that would have been more concerning …

Him: Lol yeah … But I saw 50 shades of grey and then dreamed about you instead

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Me: I have seen that one …

Him: Well it wasn’t anything crazy like that

Me: ….

I think he was partially wondering if I would think he was a creep or if I would be turned on and because of my neutral response he has seemed confused ever since. I do feel slightly creeped out, and slightly flattered. This is the first time someone has felt the need to confess for having lustful thoughts about me …

So I don’t know what to think about Coach Taylor. Except, just like that wild dog … I don’t think that I could ever really trust him to stay….

A6

Dead Eyes and Deal Breakers

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Ahoy fellow wordpressers! I’ve once again surfaced from the depths of online dating to share a couple notable stories from my week. In this episode, Tall Paul and his crazy eyes, Coach Taylor and the disappearing act … again, and a very confused German exchange student.

So first things first. After Coach Taylor blew up my phone, I agreed to give it another go and set a date with him for last Thursday. Shortly after this conversation, I never heard from him again. Indeed, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday trudged along with dead silence. Finally on Thursday I sent out a text seeing what was up with the plans for our date. Shockingly enough (considering the huge silence) the text I got back was: “Out of town, sorry I was meaning to text you…”

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Well I can’t say it’s out of character. If you’ll remember, Coach Taylor had disappeared on me once before … quite out of the blue that time as well. It was obvious that the out of town fairies took his phone. That’s what the out of town fairies do. I’ve had a lot of run-ins with them in the past … I was gracious though in my “I kind of figured” text back and there has been no communication since. I think my coworker was actually more upset than I was. The fact is that we didn’t connect and that would probably have been the last time I saw him anyway. If I can survive the bartender wedding date disaster … this was nothing.

Tall Paul was a guy I started talking to this same past week. He was blonde, a computer systems analyst, and liked the outdoors. Plus, he was witty without being overly sexual. Don’t get me wrong, flirting is A-okay in my book. But really I’m tired of being frightened to get photos from guys and also it just transitions way too soon for me! Three messages in and it’s like a brainwave gets jumpstarted: Time for sexting. I’m not judging sexting, but I like to know I LIKE someone before thinking about getting into that.

So Tall Paul was appealing in that he was fun but not lecherous. I love the outdoors too … but I think it’s safe to say his love is a bit more … militant than mine lol …. He was explaining to me about his solo camping trip he would be taking this past weekend on Thursday night. Freeze dried food, no map and just some tarp for a tent. He also used the phrase “Be one with nature.” Showing this message to my roommate to ask her if he sounded a little TOO hippieish, she was very disturbed catching a glimpse of his photo. “No, you need to stop talking to him. He’s got crazy eyes! He looks like a serial killer.”

Okay so this guy was cute and blonde! My type exactly. And I can honestly say he didn’t have crazy eyes. It was more dead eyes … you know the soulless look?

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And yeah it was slightly serial killerish, but I try not to be too harsh with ruling people out and you never know, it could just be the camera angle! I wished him luck on his venture and he told me he would be out of service range all weekend.

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I never have heard back from Tall Paul. The fact of the matter is, it’s very likely Tall Paul decided to move on and lost interest after his commune with nature. That being said, it is also possible that while exploring the great wilderness around him, Tall Paul was eaten by a bear and his body may never be recovered.  Only time and his account activity will tell ….

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Notable mentions from this week include the German exchange student who became extremely confused.  The following conversation occurred on Friday night after my serving shift.

Him: Hey, just wanted to say hi! You look nice. I’m from Germany.

Me: Wow that’s a long way from here! How are you?

Him: Good I must go to sleep though. For long while thought my father was dead. He is in U.S. in hospital with vein troubles and may not live though I have found him finally at last! Waiting for doctors and must see. Am very tired. Good-night. Thanks!

Me: ……

So that was one of the strangest conversations I think I may have ever had …

Second notable mention comes from across the Atlantic as well!

“You’ve a very interesting profile. You look beautiful & kind hearted. Your eyes seems like a magical ocean. There is innocence on your face. Life seems living in your cute smile & expressions. Are these tresses unfurled heavy dusk? You seems like a master piece chiseled out from marble. Am I seeing a dream or do you exist in reality? Overall you’re breath taking. I’m not trying to be judgmental. As we share an amazing compatibility percentage. So that means there may be something between us. Let’s chat and see if it may turn into a good friendship or possibly something more. Please take a look at my profile. Believe me I’m not lying or sugar coating words just talking from the heart. Though, I’m far but I would still love to know you. Your reply would be appreciated. I’ll be glad to hear back from you.”

Number one, it didn’t sound like he was struggling against being judgmental, but that was considerate of him to resist making judgment calls. Number two, marble. As much as I like myself I think I can safely say my body has NOT been carved out of marble lol. Number three, innocence. Sigh.

I think I’m really looking for a short distance relationship, regardless of the ocean comment. My eyes really do look like a magical ocean after all! If a magical ocean is indeed green and brown …

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Lastly we have Friends with Benefits guy. I am guilty of messaging him first because he looked like a (cliché I know) bad boy. And after the Coach Taylor experiment failed, I thought that might be fun to try. Yeah. Basically I knew better lol. Our conversation went as follows:

Me: Hey what’s up?

Him: Nothing much, what are you on here for? 😉

[Winky smiles always send me warning signs….]

Me: I’m just looking to date, meet new people, not jump into anything heavy fast. What about you?

Him: So fwb?

[Friends with Benefits?]

Me: … umm no. probably not.

Him: Lol Then I don’t think I completely understand lol

Me: haha rereading that might have been misleading …. i’ve been trying to meet lots of new people … but not just to have sex with them lol

Him: Ohhhhhhhhh ok lol. Now I get it lol

Me: haha yeah so …. what are you on here for?

Him: Something open …I’m ok with fwb situation. Relationship open relationship. I’m open lol

Me: Haha gotcha gotcha … sometimes that works lol

Him: It does from time to time. But equally fun lol

Me: Yep

You’ve gotta give him props … he was indeed very open. That was just a little TOO much in the other direction for me. Sometimes I feel a little like Goldilocks lol … So far nothing’s been JUST right. Well … one bartender certainly felt that way … and we have talked a little bit since then … but I’ll save that for another day … 🙂

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Until next time!

XOXO

Andie

Reincarnation and Reappearances

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So basically I’ve gone MIA for a few months … and I’ve missed all of the feedback, I’ve missed reading everyone’s blogs … I’ve missed being part of a community. Basically I let a bad experience get me down and that’s never something someone wants to admit. Long story short, one guy I was talking to—let’s call him French Lawyer—seemed great and too good to be true and even though I went into the date wary … I got disillusioned.

But have no fear! I am back and prepared to go into 2015 with all the vitality one needs to survive the dating world.

So … back to the middle of LAST year … when last I left off, I was talking to the Paramedic. If you’ll remember, he was hunky and Italian and all around cute! Plus …. The uniform! Enough said! I ended things off with the Paramedic though before we got a first date in. He seemed oddly offended by my lack of love for NASCAR racing and incorporated one too many jokes about his ailing grandfather diagnosed with Alzheimer’s …. Trust me … these were decidedly NOT in good taste. All in all, I removed myself from that concerning situation …

I have officially had a first date of 2015! Another fish from POF, I call this one Coach Taylor … after Friday Night Lights (he used to be a high school coach for one of my rival high schools)P3

Interestingly enough, he started talking to me around November of 2014, and when I say talking, I mean excessively texting. Excessively. And I thought: hey why not give it a shot? Then right before Christmas, he falls off the face of the earth.

Then out of nowhere he reappears and texts me what’s up. Then came the amusing exchange of texts figuring out who he was and then we agreed to go out. We went to a restaurant right across the street from my restaurant! And prior to the date he was overly concerned about my height. He kept texting me, asking me how tall I was and seemed very concerned. Naturally this made ME concerned because his profile had said he was 6’5”…..

Thankfully when we met, he really was 6’5” and he seemed relieved to find I was actually 5’9”. According to him, I look very, very tall in my FB photos lol

The thing about Coach Taylor is, I had a fun time talking to him (even if he is a little crazy ….) but I didn’t feel the stirring to make out with him. In short, the date just didn’t have that spark. We talked about a variety of things

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Most notable standouts in my mind:

  1. He believes reincarnation, Darwinism, and the bible are all the same story. Also, that hell is life on earth: Cheery conversation lol
  2. He has been in a stressed relationship with his brother because his brother works for the government and he distrusts the government: His brother is a post office worker.
  3. He asked me if I had ever smoked marijuana: When I said I had not, he responded my saying Whyyyy??

He’s not UNattractive, he’s just not attractive either. He’s kind of … goofy looking? Lol It’s difficult to describe, but if you’ve ever seen a child hold their breath when they’re mad … that’s kind of his resting face. It’s very strange lol.

That being said, he’s still talking to me, and talking to him was easy. He’s asked when he can see me again and I’ve agreed to another date later this week. So, we shall see how take two goes ….

P2

Coach Taylor seems to be very nice, loves his mom, works hard, and is attentive. That being said, if there’s still no spark after this time, I think it’ll be time to call it quits.

Until next time!

XOXO

Andie

Of Pompeii and Paramedics

#5

So Rich Guy and the Paramedic. Normally I wouldn’t label anyone as Rich Guy, but—he did advertise himself in this way. That was his highlighted feature! I liked Rich Guy, but I haven’t heard back from him in a few days and I have a feeling that fish is dead in the water. The Paramedic on the other hand? That’s one’s a strong marine creature.

#6

He is definitely a strange fish though. I messaged him first, interested in his profession. I mean … come on, nothing’s hotter than saving lives in a uniform! But he may be one of those fish who are discovered living in the depths of the ocean from a dark dark place that light never touches. Basically … he’s uncharted territory. Super cute, from the same state as me, then moved out west and just moved back here this week. He’s a paramedic on the side and works for hospital administration too. He’s cute Italian. Dark preppy cut hair, strong roman face, athletic build SUPPOSEDLY six foot. So from the photos if they can be trusted, he’s quite attractive.

#2

The one good thing about my profile is my photos pull no punches. I’m not a great beauty although I like my hair and think I have fairly interesting features, though not classically pretty. Average build, I’m slightly taller, but again, my photos show this too when I’m standing with my friends. So hopefully anyone I meet won’t be expecting Kate Moss or Olivia Wilde.

However, there’s no guarantee he’ll look like HIS photos—which I try to keep in mind. He’s also an older brother to three sisters, which I find adorable. Having always wanted an older brother—it’s been a really attractive quality for me in guys. It’s just that cute thing … idk idk.

I digress from the real issue. He writes novels. No, not actual books, but his messages to me are never less than 1,000 words. Anyone who has done online dating knows getting long messages are usually like pulling teeth! So it’s kind of weird that he sends such long personal e-mails. I’m not sure what this means…

#4

Always the pessimist, I’m slightly concerned that this rare creature may have developed this trait as a protective measure, via Darwin and survival of the fittest. Maybe the long letters are to make up for something else—something I can’t see in the dark.

#7

Or maybe he’s just really chatty and this signifies nothing except that I have finally met someone who can talk as much as me!

He even sent me a message last night that said he was still getting settled so he would send me a proper message today. Proper message, aka, a super long essay.

I don’t mind really, I enjoy leaning a lot in those e-mails and he’s from match.com, which signifies he’s maybe looking for more than just a hookup—which would be nice lol.

So I’m definitely looking for some opinions on this. Like I said, I wasn’t born yesterday into online dating and I can appreciate a guy who talks and tells stories, but I just have literally never met someone who has SO MUCH to say! It’s a mystery for now.

In other news, my friends wanted to set me up on a date with a guy two hours away. He was blonde they told me and it would be great. However, did some investigation and yeah, he is sooo tiny and looks young. Like illegal age young. Also it turns out, he used to have a gigantic CRUSH on my friend setting me up. Not really a fan of pushed together leftovers. So as lovely as the intent was behind the setup, I had to decline that one. I may be searching, but I don’t consider myself desperate …. yet lol.

#3

I watch Pompeii last night and we had series of severe thunderstorms. A lightning strike burnt down a house on the east side of the city. (I’m southeast!) And I have to say nothing is quite so intense as watching a volcano erupt during a severe lightning storm. It really drove home the surround sound experience!!

So Paramedic wants to meet and after I get this “proper” e-mail and I think I’m going to say okay.

There wasn’t much to this e-mail so I thought I would also share a story from my college years.

One of my roommates, we’ll call her Jenny dated a guy … we’ll call him Mike. Mike was a little … well we suspect he took cold pills … copiously and so he ended up living with us for months and doing some weird stuff.

They were baking one day and she asked him for a cup of milk. He gave her a party glass full of milk. He had no concept of the measurement “cup.”

#9

I was home sick and watching Coach Carter. He asked to watch it with me and then ever four minutes said, “Man, this movie—it just makes me want to go shoot some hoops. Wanna go play some bball with me?” After the third time, I stopped reminding him I would if I wasn’t running a fever and throwing up every half hour.

#10

He attempted to heat up leftovers. That would have been fine if he had not put a Tupperware container on our electric stove top and turned on the burner.

He fiddled with Jenny’s beta fish filter and when another roommate came out and saw the fish flopping in an inch of water, she saved the fish and told Jenny she thought it might be the filter because she noticed Mike touching it. Roommate was accused of plotting to break up their happiness by accusing him of fish murder.

#8

Later on, Jenny and Mike met online and discovered they were actually first cousins by marriage. They still continued to date and the stories just kept getting crazier! Lol maybe one day I’ll make a post dedicated to their relationship …

#11

In the meantime, have a happy Fourth of July …. which really only is probably celebrated by the USAians lol So happy early weekend to everyone not celebrating the Fourth!

 

XOXO

Trolls and Tales

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So just as a little filler for while my dating life is gearing up for another round of dates (i.e. one painstaking one at a time), I thought I might share a couple of messages I’ve received online. A couple from trolls I’m sure, and then a couple tragically, I believe are real. And those are perhaps the most concerning …

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Exhibit A:

“Hello, you appear sane and are adorable in your pictures. I would enjoy talking if you’re interested.”

I have to say, this prospect (more of a December to my May) had an interesting approach. Sane and adorable? I felt more like I was an animal at a cracked out petting zoo!

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Exhibit B:

“Is your last name Gillette? Because you’re the best a man can get.”

Okay, so this one was pretty cute. However, I was not interested in the profile answers which revealed he did not believe in monogamy and was only looking for casual sex. That and his (albeit completely honest) height of 5’1” led to a decided lack of response on my part.

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You never realized just how sexual the advertisements for razors could be, did you??

Exhibit C:

“Heya girlie. Love the profile and pics. Not sure if you would be interested but I’m looking for a woman interested in having sex with my boyfriend while I am gone for work. I travel a lot for work and decided to allow him to have a playmate while I am gone. Think you would be interested?”

Okay, so I feel the need to divulge this one was from a woman … at least, the profile stated it was a girl. However, the reason this little gem didn’t win the grand ultimate supreme title was because … this was a troll. And if the incredulous reaction to the request wasn’t enough, I have had this same exact message before from the same exact profile with the same exact picture about three years ago. So yeah, sorry, but not sorry I won’t be interested in be your “boyfriend’s” playmate Blake Lively lookalike ….

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Grand Ultimate Supreme Title Champion:

(okay so can you tell I’ve been watching a bit of Toddlers and Tiaras on Netflix lately?)

This is my weirdest message to date.

“Wow you look cute enough to take to church. So this is my 1st week on the site and I just thought you was cute and liked your profile. I guess ill ask some random questions and hope to hear back from you. Let’s see. Favorite Color? You look like a yoga girl have you tried it before? Do you like candles ? there’s a hook to this question. Lol”

Okay soo many questions.

First of all, not sure if the church comment was supposed to be a compliment?? Do I look as though I belong in a church like a nun, good Christian girl, or, it did occur to me, do I look scandalous and need to be taken to church to be saved? I would like to think it’s the latter …

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Random questions are fine, unnecessarily announcing your intentions is a little weird and … unnecessary.

I can honestly say I have an average body, but have never ever been accused of looking like I do yoga. I do not have the lithe, stretchable body type. My physical therapist used to tell me I had the tightest hamstrings she’d ever seen. Also, trust me on this, I do NOT look like a yoga girl. And yes, I have tried—and failed several times.ImageTrust me, I do not look like that. When I tried, I looked more along the lines of this guy below …Image

And last but not least. Do I like candles? It seemed innocent enough, but there’s apparently a hook to this question—which was probably the most concerning comment of the entire message. How is there a hook to liking candles? Was he planning on taking a sexual hook? Did he have a candle fetish? Was he allergic and that would eliminate me from the running?

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Or maybe did his place look a little something like this?Image

Alas, I never responded back to bubbles. Yes, his screen name was a variation of bubbles and he no longer has an account. It was a lost opportunity.

It appears I will be haunted forever by the question, what was the hook??

Perhaps he enjoyed making human people candles like these?

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Until next time—hope I have some more good date stories for ya!

XOXO