Prince Charming and Chainsaws

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Have you ever watched a horror movie and said: “Wow, yeah I would never do that because I would know it would end up like Chainsaw Massacre.” I have, and yet, I found myself in an oddly similar situation this weekend. My roommate also has a POF account and she made some horror movie bad life decisions that got me sucked in. Yes, I know you’re reading this roommate. You know what you did. Clearly, spoiler alert, we both lived. But still, it’s too funny to not recount.

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For my first full day off in a long time, I decided to go hiking. There is one trail I love hiking that’s about 20 minutes away from my apartment and really takes the city away and infused nature. It’s rejuvenating. My roommate had never been but wanted to come as well. Of course I wondered why her hair was down and she was applying bronzer for a hike. Needless to say she had invited a guy she’d been talking to on POF to go on said remote, secluded, hour and a half before dark hike with us. I discover this deception moments before it’s time to go. And against my better judgment, we head off.

I tried to reason with my roommate why this was a bad idea. Never meet a stranger (that could easily be on the hunt for human organs) to a secluded place alone. She pointed out I was along so it would be perfect. At the worst, I’m an extra body for him to hunt down and kill to eliminate any witnesses. At the best I’m an annoying third wheel chaperone. I couldn’t wait.

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On the way there I think my roommate began to get nervous. Reasonably so. This area a mere 20 minutes away is a little remote, a little like these people are not going to be getting out of their houses to come help people in need. We passed people pulling a big black bag in the back of an SUV on the side of the road. My roommate wanted to know what they had in the bag. I said it’s best not to ask questions. Shortly after that, a man walked across the road with a chainsaw. We literally passed a man with a chainsaw. I felt at that point maybe we deserved to be murdered for ignoring all of the signs.

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Thankfully we were not murdered. Arriving, her date, a 21-year-old we’ll call the Graduate in honor of my roommate (age 24)’s young taste in this case. The Graduate was not necessarily bad in any way. My roommate did most of the talking. He did laugh, seemed normal, and didn’t attempt to kill us. I really couldn’t have asked for more in the circumstances. She has seen him since and is infatuated. I’m not convinced about the Graduate quite yet of course, but this story could have been much worse. For the most part I like to play it safe and keep all of my organs.

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I’ve started talking to a new guy, Airman Andrew. He is a ginger (a cute ginger mind you) and has a picture of him flying a plane. He’s a security guard at a hospital so while not a pilot, there’s still the hot uniform aspect. He seems normal so I’m waiting for the crazy. Until then, I’m having fun talking to him. Maybe I’ll have another date lined up before the speed dating challenge (which I am suddenly not so excited about—maybe it’s the prospect of really creepy older guys …)

OkCupid Highlights

We’ve got some real winners in terms of creativity, motivation, and pure ingenuity.

In third place is Richard Simmons doppelgänger:

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Richard says:  “Could you do me a favor and help restart my heart. because is stopped after I saw you are you for or against cuddling? if you are for it would you want to cuddle with me right now?”

Who wouldn’t have something against that? I’m most certainly against cuddling.

Second place goes to the nice older gentleman who almost convinced me to actually go on a date with him because he did make me laugh regardless of the 20+ age gap.

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Nice Older Gentleman says: “I said “Like a good neighbor State Farm is there” with a beautiful girl to match up with me and “boom” you’re profile came up.”

Touché Nice Older Gentleman. Touché.

First place however will have to go to the 22-year-old opportunist.

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Young Opportunist just goes for it and while he’s there, he figures, might as well try to kill two birds with one stone: “Hey there, you are really attractive and I would love to get to know you! If nothing else I have an incredible business opportunity I’d like to share if you have a few minutes!

Yes Young Opportunist, I’m thinking you were smart to throw that in there. I am indeed not feeling the chemistry, but would be interested in this exciting business opportunity. It’s unfortunate he had deleted his account within an hour. Otherwise I might have been making so much money I would never have to work again.

Last but not least, I took my mother (who I adore completely and is my best friend) and her boyfriend (who I tolerate because of the mother I adore) to see Cinderella in theaters. Prince Charming was hot as all get out and I really had to try to not be won over by another man on screen. It’s just not healthy for me to keep comparing the OkCupid population to them. However, the highlight of the night came not from the movie, but from directly afterward while my mother was in the bathroom. Her boyfriend helpfully put in: “You shouldn’t be so worried you’ll be alone for the rest of your life. One day you too will be a fair maiden and find your prince charming.”

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Then he followed it up by adding that when I do go on a date with a guy, I should drug him and keep him chained in a closet. He found that hilarious and to cheer me up, he repeated this joke several more times throughout the evening.

Needless to say, I was certainly cheered up by the end of the evening. A solid lesson in love for a Tuesday.

Until next time!

XOXO

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Reincarnation and Reappearances

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So basically I’ve gone MIA for a few months … and I’ve missed all of the feedback, I’ve missed reading everyone’s blogs … I’ve missed being part of a community. Basically I let a bad experience get me down and that’s never something someone wants to admit. Long story short, one guy I was talking to—let’s call him French Lawyer—seemed great and too good to be true and even though I went into the date wary … I got disillusioned.

But have no fear! I am back and prepared to go into 2015 with all the vitality one needs to survive the dating world.

So … back to the middle of LAST year … when last I left off, I was talking to the Paramedic. If you’ll remember, he was hunky and Italian and all around cute! Plus …. The uniform! Enough said! I ended things off with the Paramedic though before we got a first date in. He seemed oddly offended by my lack of love for NASCAR racing and incorporated one too many jokes about his ailing grandfather diagnosed with Alzheimer’s …. Trust me … these were decidedly NOT in good taste. All in all, I removed myself from that concerning situation …

I have officially had a first date of 2015! Another fish from POF, I call this one Coach Taylor … after Friday Night Lights (he used to be a high school coach for one of my rival high schools)P3

Interestingly enough, he started talking to me around November of 2014, and when I say talking, I mean excessively texting. Excessively. And I thought: hey why not give it a shot? Then right before Christmas, he falls off the face of the earth.

Then out of nowhere he reappears and texts me what’s up. Then came the amusing exchange of texts figuring out who he was and then we agreed to go out. We went to a restaurant right across the street from my restaurant! And prior to the date he was overly concerned about my height. He kept texting me, asking me how tall I was and seemed very concerned. Naturally this made ME concerned because his profile had said he was 6’5”…..

Thankfully when we met, he really was 6’5” and he seemed relieved to find I was actually 5’9”. According to him, I look very, very tall in my FB photos lol

The thing about Coach Taylor is, I had a fun time talking to him (even if he is a little crazy ….) but I didn’t feel the stirring to make out with him. In short, the date just didn’t have that spark. We talked about a variety of things

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Most notable standouts in my mind:

  1. He believes reincarnation, Darwinism, and the bible are all the same story. Also, that hell is life on earth: Cheery conversation lol
  2. He has been in a stressed relationship with his brother because his brother works for the government and he distrusts the government: His brother is a post office worker.
  3. He asked me if I had ever smoked marijuana: When I said I had not, he responded my saying Whyyyy??

He’s not UNattractive, he’s just not attractive either. He’s kind of … goofy looking? Lol It’s difficult to describe, but if you’ve ever seen a child hold their breath when they’re mad … that’s kind of his resting face. It’s very strange lol.

That being said, he’s still talking to me, and talking to him was easy. He’s asked when he can see me again and I’ve agreed to another date later this week. So, we shall see how take two goes ….

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Coach Taylor seems to be very nice, loves his mom, works hard, and is attentive. That being said, if there’s still no spark after this time, I think it’ll be time to call it quits.

Until next time!

XOXO

Andie

Top Gun in All His Glory Part #1

So I figure it’s time to tell you about my online foray into dating. It was my senior year of college long long ago (ahem, last October) and I had a long dry spell. Besides a very misguided and unnecessarily long blind date fiasco with my friend’s cousin, I had never been on a date. Had only been kissed once. And I had just turned 22. So feeling like I should give it a shot I went on the unholiest of dating sites (unbeknownst to me at the time), POF (otherwise known as Plenty of Fish.com). I had never seriously tried on a dating site—I’ll admit it, I was embarrassed!

But I put up a few photos and jumped feet first. Sure, there were those unavoidable creepers, a guy from another university saying hey J, a guy impressed that I sent him a message first, and a guy who worked for a haunted farm in his spare time (and it was nearing Halloween at the time …)

I, loving Halloween, was pretty excited by Haunted Farm guy. He was blonde and stocky. [I have to confess an unnatural attraction to blondes. I never realized it until I ticked off all of my crushes post Carrot Top. Blonde, blonde, dirty blonde, blonde, ash blonde. Yep, they all fit the profile! What can I say? I think they’re sexy. I wouldn’t say no to Enrique Iglesias or Eric Bana, but they will never top Chris Hemsworth for me …] The guy who’d said hi was also blonde and looked pretty all-American. Guy Impressed by Taking Charge attitude was darker haired.

I called my roommate in a couple of days of conversation later to get her opinion. What did she think? To my surprise, she was all over Hi Guy. Now, Hi Guy was blonde too and seriously fine in the picture, but I kind of had a special thing with Haunted Farm Guy. I mean, I LOVE Halloween. Annd then he started ranting about how stupid he thought modern horror movies were and got pretty pretentious and snobby for a guy driving a hay ride tractor. Did I mention I love those cheesy B-Horror movies? Well, needless to say, snobbiness turned me off. And I really started to focus on Hi Guy.

Hi Guy revealed that  he was in the National Guard, but wanted to become a pilot like off of a Top Gun. From here on out, I will refer to him as Top Gun. … Mostly because [regrettably] it is still mightily sexy imagining him piloting like in Top Gun …

 

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We started talking, really talking. He was 24 and only a junior in college because he’d lost a couple of years to his mom’s serious illness. We eventually became facebook friends and I determined that he was real and not an 86 year old man. He was tall, blonde, cute, went on “training” stints (he described them in the cutest way!) and seemed interested in me after seeing all of my facebook embarrassments, friends, photos, etc. Let’s face it, my whole life was on facebook in college days.

He was smart sexy too. We talked about my Shakespeare class and while he hated English (English major writing here) he loved math and engineering (all subjects that influenced my love of English which did not include math or engineering). But it worked in a funny way. I still remember him ruefully admitting he didn’t know how the date he was planning with me would top a night spent in the library cubby with Shakespeare  at two in the morning.Image (This photo makes it seem a lot hotter than it was … I promise!)

He said he’d never been online dating before and I believed him. I was in online lust.

Finally, the day of the presidential election, I popped the question. I couldn’t wait any longer. Did he want to meet up? We had talked for a month. Surprisingly, he took quite a while to respond, but eventually the answer came back a resounding affirmative.

Now, all I had to do was wait for Saturday and hope he actually looked like his picture and wasn’t seven inches shorter than me, or married, or fifty years older, or a serial killer. Clearly, I had a lot to occupy my mind for those remaining days.

I lived on the third floor and I had this girlish fantasy (okay, being practically dateless for nearly four years of college, I had a few fantasies) that I would hurry down the stairs and there would my guy be, leaning against his car. I think I mostly blanked out going down the steps, but here’s the strangest thing …

I rounded the corner of the staircase and there he was, leaning against his car, even taller than I’d imagined, dressed in a cute gray jacket—casual cute—even hotter than the photos. Oh God, my heart stopped. He was breathtaking. So with that worry out the window, my mind immediately raced on to what he would think of me.

To my relief, he didn’t seem disappointed. We hugged and after three seconds where he confessed he was glad my address hadn’t led him to a dark alley to be mugged, and I that he wasn’t a married serial killer intent on murdering me to sell my organs to South America, it was like we’d known each other forever. And walking past my campus library windows, side-by-side with a gorgeous, sexy, funny, real guy there just for me, our reflection fulfilled another simple fantasy of mine.

This isn’t the end of Top Gun. Unfortunately you already know that this didn’t end nearly as prettily as it began …

 

XOXO