Prince Charming and Chainsaws


Have you ever watched a horror movie and said: “Wow, yeah I would never do that because I would know it would end up like Chainsaw Massacre.” I have, and yet, I found myself in an oddly similar situation this weekend. My roommate also has a POF account and she made some horror movie bad life decisions that got me sucked in. Yes, I know you’re reading this roommate. You know what you did. Clearly, spoiler alert, we both lived. But still, it’s too funny to not recount.


For my first full day off in a long time, I decided to go hiking. There is one trail I love hiking that’s about 20 minutes away from my apartment and really takes the city away and infused nature. It’s rejuvenating. My roommate had never been but wanted to come as well. Of course I wondered why her hair was down and she was applying bronzer for a hike. Needless to say she had invited a guy she’d been talking to on POF to go on said remote, secluded, hour and a half before dark hike with us. I discover this deception moments before it’s time to go. And against my better judgment, we head off.

I tried to reason with my roommate why this was a bad idea. Never meet a stranger (that could easily be on the hunt for human organs) to a secluded place alone. She pointed out I was along so it would be perfect. At the worst, I’m an extra body for him to hunt down and kill to eliminate any witnesses. At the best I’m an annoying third wheel chaperone. I couldn’t wait.


On the way there I think my roommate began to get nervous. Reasonably so. This area a mere 20 minutes away is a little remote, a little like these people are not going to be getting out of their houses to come help people in need. We passed people pulling a big black bag in the back of an SUV on the side of the road. My roommate wanted to know what they had in the bag. I said it’s best not to ask questions. Shortly after that, a man walked across the road with a chainsaw. We literally passed a man with a chainsaw. I felt at that point maybe we deserved to be murdered for ignoring all of the signs.


Thankfully we were not murdered. Arriving, her date, a 21-year-old we’ll call the Graduate in honor of my roommate (age 24)’s young taste in this case. The Graduate was not necessarily bad in any way. My roommate did most of the talking. He did laugh, seemed normal, and didn’t attempt to kill us. I really couldn’t have asked for more in the circumstances. She has seen him since and is infatuated. I’m not convinced about the Graduate quite yet of course, but this story could have been much worse. For the most part I like to play it safe and keep all of my organs.


I’ve started talking to a new guy, Airman Andrew. He is a ginger (a cute ginger mind you) and has a picture of him flying a plane. He’s a security guard at a hospital so while not a pilot, there’s still the hot uniform aspect. He seems normal so I’m waiting for the crazy. Until then, I’m having fun talking to him. Maybe I’ll have another date lined up before the speed dating challenge (which I am suddenly not so excited about—maybe it’s the prospect of really creepy older guys …)

OkCupid Highlights

We’ve got some real winners in terms of creativity, motivation, and pure ingenuity.

In third place is Richard Simmons doppelgänger:


Richard says:  “Could you do me a favor and help restart my heart. because is stopped after I saw you are you for or against cuddling? if you are for it would you want to cuddle with me right now?”

Who wouldn’t have something against that? I’m most certainly against cuddling.

Second place goes to the nice older gentleman who almost convinced me to actually go on a date with him because he did make me laugh regardless of the 20+ age gap.


Nice Older Gentleman says: “I said “Like a good neighbor State Farm is there” with a beautiful girl to match up with me and “boom” you’re profile came up.”

Touché Nice Older Gentleman. Touché.

First place however will have to go to the 22-year-old opportunist.


Young Opportunist just goes for it and while he’s there, he figures, might as well try to kill two birds with one stone: “Hey there, you are really attractive and I would love to get to know you! If nothing else I have an incredible business opportunity I’d like to share if you have a few minutes!

Yes Young Opportunist, I’m thinking you were smart to throw that in there. I am indeed not feeling the chemistry, but would be interested in this exciting business opportunity. It’s unfortunate he had deleted his account within an hour. Otherwise I might have been making so much money I would never have to work again.

Last but not least, I took my mother (who I adore completely and is my best friend) and her boyfriend (who I tolerate because of the mother I adore) to see Cinderella in theaters. Prince Charming was hot as all get out and I really had to try to not be won over by another man on screen. It’s just not healthy for me to keep comparing the OkCupid population to them. However, the highlight of the night came not from the movie, but from directly afterward while my mother was in the bathroom. Her boyfriend helpfully put in: “You shouldn’t be so worried you’ll be alone for the rest of your life. One day you too will be a fair maiden and find your prince charming.”


Then he followed it up by adding that when I do go on a date with a guy, I should drug him and keep him chained in a closet. He found that hilarious and to cheer me up, he repeated this joke several more times throughout the evening.

Needless to say, I was certainly cheered up by the end of the evening. A solid lesson in love for a Tuesday.

Until next time!


Eating Baby Carrots for Love and I Didn’t Even Get Good Vision …

Well, I’ve come to a decision. I like Hot Bartender. A lot. He’s got abnormally sharp canine teeth (top AND bottom people) and I am obsessed with them. (I maybe stare at them when he talks.) Don’t get me wrong—while I’ll read a good paranormal romance, I do NOT fantasize about landing a vampire—or a werewolf. No, I definitely do not want anyone to drink my blood … but I have included the occasional love nip fantasy staring my favorite bartender. Premature to call him mine? Yes. Foolish. Again, yes. It is probably not the best idea to start getting cocky now.

But I wouldn’t say the place I’m in is cocky. Instead, I would say active, aggressive. For 23 years I have sat back and waited for Prince Charming and he has blown me off one too many times. So instead, I’m taking the reins in my own hands and shooting for what I want.

So yeah, you probably guessed that I’m going to ask Hot Bartender to come with me to the wedding. And timid, mousey me might have balked when I found out it would be a two hour trip there—asking too much! But this aggressive me is dismissing that. If he says no he says no, but people travel to go to weddings all the time. And I’ve decided I won’t be awkward about it. The next time we’re alone, I’m going to pop the question casually and gauge his reaction. And if he turns down free alcohol and a party because of having to spend time with me … or be at a wedding—well then, I have a backup plan to eliminate any future awkwardness as well.

This new me is scary and quite heady.

I have been so controlled by my fear of what may happen that I finally see it doesn’t matter as long as I don’t give it power. And I’m not going to.

You see, I did give in to it once and I feel like life has come full circle.

The day of this wedding will mark exactly ten years since I last put myself out there, completely, for a guy.
From the first grade, I knew I liked him. He was cute and had ginger hair and masses of freckles. Alas, I cannot help my seven-year-old taste. My sister called him Carrot Top and while some may find that name offensive (as surely my sixteen-year-old sister meant it) I always savored it fondly. In fact, I took it to the next level, eating baby carrots for snacks, sides, breakfast. I just wanted to be closer to my gangly, sharp featured seatmate.

For years I was a casual friend and loved him from afar and finally it was the sixth grade, the end of the year. Next year I knew we would be going to Jr. High. A part of the high school and he might be lost to me forever. I had nothing to suggest he returned my feelings, but I was young and thought my crush unsinkable.

Our elementary schools would combine, and in anticipation of the event, we would go to a camp and celebrate on Memorial Day weekend with a camping trip and dance. I was nervous and plotted and schemed out the ask and one day I caught him getting his backpack in the cubby area all alone. Thirteen and fully equipped with every awkward stereotype associated with that tween age, I stumbled through an ask. Would he come to the dance with me? I’m sure it was far less smooth. But the point was delivered and he was very nice and kind as he explained his mom would be a chaperone and wouldn’t it be weird to go to a dance with a girl when his MOM would be there? Oh yes, I agreed, desperately trying to fight the deep red flush of shame filling my face. Totally I agreed, before I ran off.

I was devastated.

Now, of course, no parents were chaperones and he went with A, a girl who had been my friend for the past six years. A and I drifted apart after that—no major drama, but it was embarrassing to talk to the girlfriend of the guy I had crushed … who also knew every mortifying detail. I hope they didn’t laugh about it and to give him credit, we still speak as friends occasionally five years after our high school graduation.

But the ten year anniversary is looming and I realize it is ironic I have landed myself in this same situation. Now, I have only had the hots for Hot Bartender for a few months and we are all adults now and I’m not TECHNICALLY asking him for a date, but still, same scenario basically.

I have thought about this and while I was thinking that things would be different this time–he might say yes–I realized last night that it’s not really about his answer at all. Instead, it’s about what I do with that answer. Even if he says no, that doesn’t mean it has to be a repeat of history. This one won’t cripple me. I refuse to give anyone that kind of power over me that I don’t even have a relationship with for heaven’s sake!

So I’m going to ask him and he may well say no. But if that happens, this time I’ll hold onto my dignity and shake it off as the “not a big deal” it really is.

That being said, I really hope he says yes, because I think it’s time to shake my life up. And a certain bartender has a mean shake …